Page 241 of Small Town Firsts
I bowed my head as the tears kept flowing. They didn’t hurt though. Crying finally felt freeing. “I miss you so much. Sage is good to talk to for most of this mess I’m in, but I miss crawling up next to you on the couch and letting you play with my hair while you told me everything was going to work out. Because I’m so afraid it won’t. I’m not sure I could bear it if he doesn’t feel the same.”
But it really felt like an empty fear. There was so much in my head. The touches, the laughter, the little moments with Laurie.
And then me running.
Always running away when things got too big, felt like too much.
Instead of staying to see how things went, I escaped before the answers could hurt me.
I tipped my head back to the sun and the breeze lifted my hair to whip my ponytail around. I laughed and brushed back the tears. “Okay, I got it.”
If I didn’t stick around, I wouldn’t have to face reality.
The reality of asking for more. Of deserving more. I brushed my hand over my middle. For hoping for more.
“I think I’m finally creating a family of my own, Mom.” I huffed out a laugh when the breeze whirled around me and leaves danced. “IknowI am.” I pressed my palm to the coolmarble stone. “I know you always loved him. And you probably knew I did this whole time too.”
I sniffed as the tears dried and the sun peeked from the clouds that were ever present thanks to the lake. I spun around and leaned against my mother’s headstone and let the sun soak into my bones. It was peaceful here and that feeling had been a rare commodity in my life lately.
When a handful of people came to pay their respects to their own families, I stood and brushed off my pants. I kissed my fingertips and touched the angel then the marker. “Keep watch over her.”
I went for the winding road this time. Then followed it down to the little picnic area to feed the bold ducks who swarmed the children. By the time I’d gotten to the little cabin I’d been hiding in, I was finally hungry.
I climbed the back steps to the kitchen and unearthed the peanut butter crackers I’d brought with me. It was the only thing that didn’t seem to annoy my touchy stomach.
Cleaning up was definitely in order. I was dusty from the trails and sweaty from the sticky humidity clinging to the air. I grabbed my bag on my way down the hall to the small room with black and white tiles. My shower was infinitely more luxurious. The bathroom in the apartment I shared with Sage—sort of, considering I spent most of my time with Seth or working—had two shower heads and steamed up to a life-changing level. But the ancient claw-footed tub would do for today.
In fact…
I dug into one of the lower cabinets and found an old bath bomb I’d left there a few summers ago. The girls from the diner had given me a big spa kit to relax. Since I wasn’t really great at relaxing, I’d left it here when I’d done an overnight with Laurie.
The only kind of camping I’d ever do was spending a night in this cabin.
I filled the tub and dropped the purple cake of soap into the water. It fuzzed and bubbled, releasing the sweet scent of lilacs and vanilla. I turned on my phone for music and flicked away the dozen messages that came through. I wasn’t quite ready to face all my realities just yet.
I shrugged off my clothes and stepped into the scalding water with a hiss.
Nope, it was time for some Keith Urban and a bath to clear my head of the last of the cobwebs. I had to allow myself to really think through my options.
A glossy brochure stuck out of the top of my bag. Carefree students walking up pathways lined with lush green grass with stately buildings behind them. That could be my life.
My hand crept over my flat stomach. Or maybe I could embrace another life, while still achieving my hopes of getting my education. My mom had dreamed of me leaving and doing something grand. She’d worked her fingers raw to tuck a little away for me until she couldn’t keep pushing on anymore.
The thing was, I didn’t have to leave my home and start over in a new place to have a new beginning. It was hard to imagine a more perfect place for me than Crescent Cove. My home was here. My job, my friends. Sage.
Seth and Laurie—my family. My heart.
The pregnancy test hiding at the bottom of my bag.
It was probably too soon. My period was late. But that happened sometimes, so most likely it was nothing. I wasn’t going to take the test here in any case.
When and if I took that step, I would do it with Seth.
My fingers drifted up to cup my sore breasts. My nipple tightened at the mere thought of his name. Seth, who’d shown me just what I’d been missing this entire time.
I slid up higher to the curls at the nape of my neck. Would our little one be dark like us? My rich brown hair, and his near black? Or would her hair be auburn like my mom’s?
I lowered myself into the scented water that was rapidly cooling.
