Page 96 of Exile & Lula
The pregnancy proved uneventful until the last two months. I was already working from home most days, so going on bed rest wasn’t a drastic change.
After learning we were expecting a son, I asked Exile if we could use the name Paxton to honor the man who offered me a new life.
By then, Exile and my dad were tight. They rode around town together, hit up the batting cages, and were always talking at the fence separating our two yards.
When my parents visited Baton Rouge, Exile took Pax around town. They went fishing with my brother. Pax and Rowdy were with Exile when he got my name tattooed on his chest.
“I would be honored to have a son named after your dad,” Exile told me without hesitation.
During the last weeks of my pregnancy, I was downright miserable. I could barely move without pain. Every trip to the bathroom was precarious. Bebe stuck close to me, even sleeping over, so she could be right at my side if something happened.
Bebe was at my side when I delivered my son. Exile cradled my other hand. Pax kept watch nearby.
Feeling powerless for weeks had left me completely paranoid that the baby was sick. As I began pushing, I could barely focusthrough my sobs. I was certain Little Paxton would be born wrong.
“He’s perfect,” Exile murmured as he held his son for the first time.
I instantly calmed down after hearing my husband’s words. Exile was great at many things, but lying to me wasn’t one of them.
Little Paxton looked a lot like Dillon when she was born. His eyes were shaped like Exile’s, though. Admiring my beautiful, healthy baby, I felt my earlier fears wash away.
As I rested in bed with Dillon, I admired Exile showing off the baby to my family and friends who visited. I couldn’t remember ever feeling happier than in that moment.
That day in the parking garage had changed my life in both bad and good ways. I was more fearful and reclusive than I used to be. My trust in my instincts wasn’t as strong. I understood my liabilities better.
But that day also introduced me to a sexy, protective man who made me believe in magic.
EXILE’S EPILOGUE
The birth of my son awakened an avalanche of memories and regrets inside me. I was surprised by how emotional I became during the first months at home with my boy.
Mostly, I found myself missing my mom after a decade of cutting myself off from those feelings. Sure, I had said the words about missing Laverne back when Nova mourned our mom’s death. I thought I had grieved, too.
But I never truly felt that loss until the day I entered the bedroom to find Bebe cradling Little Paxton while resting next to a sleepy Lula. Witnessing that special comfort that only a mom could provide left me with a heavy heart.
Laverne would never meet the woman I loved or hold her grandson. My mom wrapped her entire world around her family, but her husbands had driven away the two people she loved the most.
“I should have pushed my way into Laverne’s life,” I told Lula one evening after everyone was asleep. “I didn’t feel comfortable around her husband or his family, so I gave them what they wanted and went away. That choice screwed Laverne, Nova, and me. She might be alive if I had done things differently. She could be here now, visiting her grandson and getting to know Dillon. I felt like I have fucked up something I can’t fix.”
“You were a kid when your comfortable life was ripped away from you,” Lula murmured while stroking my head as I rested my cheek against her chest. “I don’t get the sense that your family coped with what happened. I can’t imagine how confusing it was for you as a boy to learn the man you loved was a monster to other people.”
Lula paused to kiss my head. Her tenderness made me feel both better and worse. On one hand, she comforted me in thebest way. But her affection also made me miss enjoying such comfort from my mother.
“You were taught to shove your feelings down deep inside where they wouldn’t offend anyone. It’s how you learned to cope. Now, you feel safe enough to be honest about how you were let down by people in your family and community.”
Sighing, I wrapped myself tighter around Lula. “Something broke inside Laverne when she learned my dad wasn’t the man she loved. She closed herself off to me after that. Or maybe I was the one who cut her off.”
“You were a child, and she was an adult. If anyone was to blame between the two of you, it would be her,” Lula said, still stroking my head. “But I don’t believe either of you was to blame. I think you did your best. In hindsight, you could have stood up to the people fucking with you, but you needed to get away. Your mom wanted to stay in that life. You both did what you had to do to survive.”
Nodding, I knew Lula was right. I had pushed my mom to leave her idiot husband so many times. She didn’t need him. I knew she had money. Even if she didn’t, I’d take care of her. But Laverne felt safe in that life, even if she wasn’t happy.
“I still miss my mom,” I told Lula.
“Maybe if you talked about her more, you could process this pain you’re feeling.”
Lula’s suggestion helped. I tried to bring up Laverne more in conversation. I noticed Nova perked up whenever we spoke about our family. She wanted to share freely, but I think she feared mentioning Laverne would upset me.
Now, we talked about her regularly. One evening, Nova showed off pictures she swiped from our mom’s house. Lula took a few of the photos and added them to the ones of her family in the front hall.
