Page 40 of Dr. Lillian Harrington
Rebecca leaned back in her chair, the phone still in her hand, waiting for something—anything—that would ease the gnawing guilt inside her. But as the minutes ticked by and the silence in her office grew louder, Rebecca realized that she had a lot more to apologize for than just a single text could convey.
She couldn’t stop thinking about Lillian, the way her vulnerability had shone through despite Rebecca’s coldness. How much longer could Lillian put up with her push and pull? How much longer before she walked away, tired of being hurt?
The thought terrified her. The thought of losing Lillian, of pushing her so far away that there was no going back, made Rebecca’s heart race. But as much as she wanted to change, as much as she wanted to let Lillian in, she didn’t know how to break the cycle.
She had spent so many years perfecting this version of herself—the version that was unflappable, distant, in control. Letting that go, letting Lillian see the vulnerable side of her, was terrifying. But not as terrifying as the idea of losing her.
Rebecca sat there in the quiet of her office, staring at the phone in her hand, waiting for a response that she wasn’t sure would come.
She stared down at her phone, her fingers hovering over the screen. The text she had sent—I’m sorry—was too little, too late. Lillian hadn’t responded yet, and Rebecca couldn’t blame her. She had hurt her, and for what? To protect herself from the discomfort of Tessa’s presence?
The guilt was a constant pressure, like a weight pressing on her chest, but behind it was something deeper—a fear Rebecca had never fully faced. She wanted Lillian. She wanted this to work. But every time they got close, she panicked, retreating into the safety of her emotional distance.
She sighed, leaning back in her chair, closing her eyes briefly. The weight of everything—the hospital, the patients, the past—pressed in on her, suffocating. And then, as if on cue, her phone buzzed. Rebecca’s heart leapt, hoping it was Lillian finally replying to her apology, but it wasn’t.
It was Tessa.
Rebecca opened the message, her stomach twisting as she read the words.
How about that drink, hmm? Tomorrow night?
Tessa had always been direct, confident, and relentless. She knew what she wanted, and she never hesitated to go after it. Once upon a time, Rebecca had admired that about her—maybe even found it intoxicating—but now, Tessa’s persistence only made her feel worse.
She hadn’t been listening earlier when Tessa had suggested they grab a drink and "catch up." Her mind had been with Lillian, replaying their shared night, feeling the vulnerability she’d shown. Rebecca had nodded along, agreeing without really thinking, because it was easier than confronting the mess she had made with Lillian.
But now, looking at the message, she knew she didn’t want to see Tessa again—not like this. Not when her heart was tangled up with someone else.
Rebecca’s fingers hovered over her phone, unsure of how to respond. She could brush it off, make up an excuse. Or maybe she should go, drown herself in the familiarity of her past relationship with Tessa. Maybe that would help her forget what a mess she was making of things with Lillian.
Before she could make a decision, there was a knock on her office door. Her assistant, Jackson, poked his head in, his usual chipper demeanor slightly subdued as he glanced at her.
"Dr. Lang," Jackson said, his voice gentle. "Everything okay?"
Rebecca blinked, her phone slipping from her fingers onto the desk. She hadn’t realized how frazzled she must look, how much her inner turmoil was showing on the surface.
"I’m fine," she replied quickly, straightening in her chair and forcing a small smile. "Just a long day."
Jackson didn’t seem convinced, but he didn’t push. He stepped into the office, holding up a stack of files. "These are the post-op reports you asked for. I can leave them here if you’d like."
"Thanks," Rebecca said, her voice distant. She took the files from him, setting them down on her desk without really looking at them.
Jackson lingered for a moment, his eyes flicking to her face. "Are you sure you’re okay? You seem...distracted."
Rebecca opened her mouth to brush him off again, but the concern in his eyes made her pause. Jackson wasn’t just her assistant; he had worked with her for years, and though she kept most people at arm’s length, she had always trusted him to handle things with care. But this? This wasn’t something she could explain in a few sentences.
"I’m fine, Jackson," she said after a beat, her voice softening slightly. "Just...a lot on my mind."
Jackson nodded, though he still seemed unconvinced. "Well, if you need anything, I’m around."
"Thanks," Rebecca said again, offering him a brief, grateful smile.
As Jackson left, closing the door behind him, Rebecca exhaled slowly, leaning back in her chair once more. Her gaze drifted to her phone again, Tessa’s message still unanswered.
What was she doing? Agreeing to meet Tessa again, allowing herself to get pulled back into a past that she had already walked away from. She didn’t want to go, not really. But the ideaof losing herself in something familiar—something that didn’t require her to feel so deeply—was tempting.
And yet...it wasn’t what she wanted. Not anymore.
Her thoughts drifted back to Lillian. The way she had looked at her during their breakfast that morning—soft, hopeful, vulnerable. Lillian was so different from Tessa. So different from anyone Rebecca had ever allowed herself to care about. With Lillian, things weren’t easy, but they were real. And that terrified Rebecca because real meant there was something to lose.
