Page 44 of Worth the Ruin
“Well,I can’t pretend like I’m sad he’s gone. Thatanyof them are gone,” Renee amends. “They were all assholes, Jett was just the worst of them.”
Word had quickly spread through FOS about what went down out on the road and Renee had found me the minute I’d gotten a hot shower and changed clothes, pulling me into a huge hug as soon as I opened my door. It surprised me how much I’d missed her over the week we were gone and I was beyond glad to be back. Somehow, FOS has become…maybe not quite home, but as close as I can get to it without Jonah.
“Everyone probably thinks I’m a full on psychopath now,” I sigh, tucking my hands into the sleeves of my hoodie as we sit out beside the lake. Fall is settling over us and the air is getting cooler and cooler by the day, but the grounds of FOS are absolutely beautiful and I just can’t seem to stay inside. The leaves have all fully changed now, the forest a kaleidoscope of reds and yellows and oranges surrounding us on all sides. I’ve always loved the fall, and I miss going to pumpkin patches and on hayrides and having horror movie marathons. I make amental note to use those the next time we playWhat Do You Miss?
“Nah,” Renee says. “And for any that do, that’s probably a good thing anyway. Makes them a little scared of you. Fear is powerful these days.”
“Are you afraid of me?” I tease.
“Oh absolutely terrified.” We laugh a bit and then I chew on my lip. I could use some advice about a certain evil leader who isn’t actually an evil leader who kissed me in the camper and seems to have been avoiding me ever since.
“So…something happened with Traeger,” I finally say casually. Renee’s mouth pops open and she punches me in the arm, surprisingly hard. “Ow!”
“How were those not the first words out of your mouth when I saw you earlier??” she demands, brushing hair angrily off of her face.
“Umm because the wholewe got ambushed and almost died and Wynn got shot and then Jett and his goons tried to attack me and I went cold-blooded killer on them allseemed a little bit more important?” Renee isn’t impressed and looks at me expectantly. “And it wasn’treallysomething. Just a…sort of something.”
“Would you just spill it already?”
“There were just a fewmoments. Like when I was pinned down by the gunfire and he charged over, all guns blazing like a fucking idiot?—”
“A romantic fucking idiot,” Renee counters.
I snort. “Like an idiot, but when he got there, he looked almost frantic. And then when I was in the river, the way he called my name and pulled me out…I don’t know.” I exhale. “Oh and then of course there was the kiss.”
Renee screams. Literallyscreams, and I clamp my hands over my ears, though I can’t help but laugh.
“Stop it. It was nothing. I mean, it wasn’t nothing, it was…” I shake my head, not wanting to think about the kiss any more than I already am. It’s been living rent free in my mind since the second it happened. “But it was just a kiss. A quick kiss and nothing more. And nothing since. He hasn’t tried again or mentioned it, hasn’t even acted like it happened. And I have no idea what that means, or if he’s waiting for me to make a move, or what the fuck is going on, or if I evenwantsomething to be going on, annnnd my head hurts.”
I groan and bury my head in the front of my sweatshirt. I sound like all those girls I’d always pitied, worrying about guys and thinking so much about thewhat ifs. I’d always been sure with this kind of thing. If I was into a guy, I told him. If it wasn’t reciprocal, cool. I moved on. No harm, no foul, no big deal.
But with Traeger I’m…a fucking mess. I don’t know what to think or feel or do. I can admit that I have feelings for him, strong ones, but…there’s still a part of me that’s holding myself back. Part of me that doesn’t know if I can let go of the past. Part of me that’s…fucking terrified. There, I said it. I’m terrified of what trying to be with Traeger might mean. I’m terrified of letting him in. I’m terrified of…loving anyone again.
“Haveyoutried again? Or said anything? Or acted like it happened?” Renee asks.
“Listen, no one asked you to be the voice of reason here…” She bumps my shoulder playfully and I let out a long exhale. “No, I haven’t tried anything or said anything, and I definitely haven’t acted like anything happened. But I don’t know, Ren. I feel…connected to him in some really profound, intense way that I can’t even explain. Which is ridiculous because we hardly even know each other, really.”
I feel like I hardly know anything real about him other than the fact that he misses days on the lake and barbecue. And yet, somehow, I feel like I know him better than almost anyone elseon the planet. It’s just there. Just an understood, fundamental fact, that Iknowthis man.
“I think youdoknow each other,” Renee says, echoing my own thoughts. “Just because you don’t know everything about each other’s pasts doesn’t mean you don’t know each other.” I start to argue, but Renee holds up her hand to stop me. “Listen, I don’t know what’s going on with you two, or what it all means, but I do know that in all the time I’ve been here, I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you.”
I take a long, deep breath and let it out slowly. Alright. Fine. Let’s just pretend for a second I can let this happen.
“So, what do I do?”
“You stop being a baby, grow some lady balls, and talk to him about it.”
I blink slowly. “Did you just tell me to grow somelady balls?”
“I did. Because you need to,” Renee says primly before her lips curl into a smile.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
TRAEGER
I’ve been avoidingMelody since we returned to FOS. I could blame it on all the housekeeping I needed to do after the ambush and Jett’s untimely demise, which really had taken up a lot of my time, but in truth, I’m just being chicken shit. I have no idea what the right move is with Melody, which is actually new for me. I always seem to know what to do, what the best choice is in any given situation. It’s one reason I’ve survived this long and that I’m even in the position I am, leading others. But with Melody? No fucking clue.
Despite really not knowing all that much about her, I’m damn near in love with Melody Morales. What the fuck is that about? How can you possibly feel so connected to someone without even knowing anything about their past? But it doesn’t matter. I’m lost for the girl. Honestly, I have been basically since the moment I saw her. I don’t want to throw around ridiculous shit like love at first sight, but there has always just been something about her, something that drew me to her in a way I can’t explain.
