Page 134 of Caged Between the Beta & Alpha
My emotions were hot and cold. I went from happy to utterly defeated within moments of each other. Sometimes I’d remember flashes of the cottage and him telling me he would wait for me, and then I’d see him ripping through my neck. I kept waking up at night, those bottomless pits of his eyes flashing in my mind, his canines out as he bit me…
My last thoughts were always the same in my nightmares.
Liam won’t hurt me.
I wrapped my arms around myself as I walked through the pack grounds, just wanting to think things through in the fresh air. I had wanted to return to training, but Damon had said it was better I didn’t. I knew why: everyone was talking. I was going to have to face it sooner or later. I didn’t want to be cocooned up.
Sighing, I tugged at the sleeve of my ribbed black shirt, which had three buttons at the top that I had left open. I was wearing some ripped jeans with net tights under, paired with some black heeled boots.
I looked at the small plushie in my hand. Sparks… I wanted to go back to the graveyard, but I hadn’t been able to. Right then, I just need someone to talk to. He was the only real family I had. I was sure if he was there, he’d love me, right?
I heard snickering and looked up to see Owen smirking as he walked past me, smart enough not to push me. Guess he learned his lesson last time. I ignored him and headed to the graveyard. It was a dull day. I pushed open the small gate and made my way over to Renji’s grave. I sat down on my knees before it and looked down at it. Like always, it was well-kept.
“Hello, Renji, I hope you’re okay… a lot’s happened since the last time I came here. I’m sorry it took me so long since I promised to meet you… but I wasn’t allowed to come… I’m sorry. I wonder if Mom is with you now or not?” I asked softly, placing Sparks at the foot of the gravestone. “Look, Sparks is back... he’s so happy to be here again.” I smiled gently as a soft wind blew through my hair.
“I was going to reject Damon. We were going to do it. I chose Liam… but… he marked me forcefully… and I haven’t seen him since…” I whispered, feeling my eyes prickle. “I don’t know what to feel. At times I feel numb; at others, confused, upset, hurt… I know what he did wasn’t right, but I also know that Helios’ curse isn’t something we can just ignore. I’m worried about him. He’s in the cells, but I’m also… scared….” I covered my face as the tears began flowing, and I sobbed quietly.
“I mention him, and everyone gets angry. Is it wrong that I want to talk to him? But I haven’t mind-linked him either… I… I’m scared… I just, I don’t want him to shut me out,” I whispered.
I loved him so, so much, but at the same time, I couldn’t just forget what he did. The darkness in him was strong, but wasn’t it the time to help him? The fear of what might happen was still there, but I was stronger than that.
Someone placed their hand on my shoulder, and I gasped, jerking away as I stared up at Nina. I had been so absorbed in my thoughts that I hadn’t even noticed her.
“Are you okay?” She asked with concern clear in her eyes. I nodded, wiping my tears quickly.
“Yes, I am,” I said, sniffling.
“You’re a strong woman, Raven. It’s all going to be okay,” she said, her eyes filled with confidence as she patted my back. I hoped so. Right then, I didn’t know what to do.
“I’m going to go. Thank you,” I said softly.
I stood up, and she nodded. I glanced at Renji’s grave, bidding him a silent farewell before I turned and left the graveyard. I walked along slowly, trying to make sense of my emotions, and remembered a conversation I had with Uncle El a few days ago when he had visited me at Damon’s…
“How do you feel? I mean, emotionally?” He asked, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans as he stood in front of the fireplace.
It was just the two of us. Damon was out, and although I wanted to return to the packhouse, it would mean I would have to face everyone. I looked down at my knees. How did I feel?
“Lost… sometimes I feel like I got this, I can do this… how it’s okay, I’m okay…”
“It’s not okay, and it’s all right to feel like that, Raven,” he said quietly. “I think you need to stop trying to accept things and think deeply about what you want.” I stayed quiet, and he continued, “Where’s the confident Raven who was ready to own everything? I want her back. I want her to consider her happiness above all. This curse is not on you. If it’s meant to be broken, it will be. We can do this, but it doesn’t mean you need to be sacrificed or influenced to make decisions because of it. I want you to decide what you want without any external factors weighing on your decision. Without you feeling guilty about this or that. Until then, I want you to focus on yourself and nothing more. No what if I do this, or it’s because of this.” I nodded.
“I know, but we do know that the darkness of the curse played a factor.”
“It did, but it’s not an excuse. I love him, and I am there for him, but you need to stop justifying it. Think only about your feelings. Also… if Damon were to mark you, that mark could be removed.”
My eyes widened in shock as I stared up at him. Remove the mark…
“I know that removing it won’t undo the damage it has done mentally, but it can at least get it off you.”
I looked down. Right then, I didn’t know what I wanted. Although I knew that I would eventually come to terms with it, I wasn’t sure what I wanted, but I had already planned to let Damon go… I wasn’t going to use him to remove the mark. Right then, I felt like I didn’t want anyone… I didn’t want a man. I didn’t need one…
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said quietly.
I stared at the sky. Live for me… but to do that, I needed to get rid of the baggage from my life. All of it.
Alpha.
Raven?Uncle El replied.
