Page 106 of Pregnant By the Playboy
On the rare occasions we went out for dim sum, I couldn’t help wishing he were there.
I’ve built a life I’m proud of. I didn’t think of my father a lot in the last ten years...until I got pregnant, which made me think more about my own childhood and what I wanted to be different for my son or daughter.
I know a child’s early years are so important. I had a loving family, but I was affected by loss in ways I didn’t fully comprehend, and I was desperate to avoid going through that again, even if I wasn’t consciously aware of it.
I met Vince right after I learned my mom’s tumor was benign. I couldn’t bear the thought of that loss, and not allowing myself to admit my love for him was a form of self-preservation.
Shit. I’m an idiot. Why couldn’t I have understood all this before?
Why couldn’t I have said “I love you” before it was too late?
Because knowing I love him...it doesn’t make me want to run away, even if it’s scary. My subconscious might be trying to protect me, but I know that having something wonderful involves some level of risk, and he’s worth the risk.
Or was worth it.
There’s an annoying crunching sound coming from the other side of the room. A man is eating Cheetos. Are you even supposed to eat in the waiting room?
I want to confront him, but I force myself to stay in my seat and keep my mouth shut.
Once again, I check my phone, just in case.
Nothing. Still nothing.
I was right. Something awful has happened. He’s gone and I never got to tell him...
I said I hated the pressure of feeling like the center of his life, of him building everything around me and Baby. I wish—
“Marissa Chan?” The receptionist is standing in front of me. “It’s time for your ultrasound.”
“I...can’t,” I stammer. “My husband. He’s not here.”
I call him my husband because I wish it were true.
Seeing my distress, she says, “I’m sure he’s coming soon.”
I shake my head.
“Well, the person after you is already here. She could go first?”
When I nod, the receptionist leads the pregnant woman across from me toward the back. They give me sympathetic smiles.
The Cheetos man keeps chewing.
Vince still isn’t here.
I’m thinking of him as though he’s dead and alive at the same time.
Was it a car accident?
It was probably a car accident.
Baby and I are going to be alone, just like Mom and I were alone.
Except I’m in a better financial position. I have my mother, too. Larry and his family. I have my friends. I have Vince’s family.
Did Vince rewrite his will to leave money for me?
I don’t care about that. I just want him. I want him to hold me and take me out for mocktails and look at me as though I’m beautiful, even when I feel anything but.
