Page 40 of Two Friends in Marriage
I’m not in love with Evan, am I?
No.Not in the way I was with my exes.But we see so much of each other, and we’re building a life together.I guess that connection is causing this.It certainly isn’t something I expected in my marriage.
Is it happening to Evan, too?
I shake my head, as if the movement will dismiss that thought from my head.It’s probably just me.
It takes several minutes, but eventually, I’m able to get my mind away from thoughts of my husband’s arms and lips—seriously, what’s wrong with me?—and focus on my job.
At noon, I’m still not ready to see Evan, so I send him a text telling him to eat without me because I want to finish my current task.I hear him moving around downstairs, and just after twelve thirty, which is when he usually returns to work, I head to the kitchen.I haven’t heard any noises in a few minutes, so I hope he’s back in the basement.
However, it appears that hope was in vain because I crash into him in the hallway while lost in my thoughts.
“Sorry!”I say.
He sets his hand on my waist to steady me.Nothing he hasn’t done many times before, but this time, it feels different.I don’t thinkhe’sdoing anything differently; no, my body is just over-sensitized.When he retreats to his office, I finally feel like I can breathe again.
How do people deal with this nonsense?
By the time we finish dinner, the weirdness of earlier has mostly disappeared.After work, Evan went for a walk and came back a little sweaty, and I didn’t think anything of it, like usual.
Really, it was just like usual.I swear!
As we clean up, I’m extra careful not to accidentally knock into him, afraid it’ll start an unwanted avalanche of thoughts and feelings.
But when we start watching an episode of our current K-drama, I allow myself to snuggle against him.This is how we usually watch TV, and it would be suspicious if I didn’t, right?
We’re two friends being platonically affectionate, that’s all.Nothing more to it than that.It’s something we both enjoy, and we agreed on this before we got married.
At one point, Evan shifts, and his shirt rides up.My fingers brush bare skin, and I can’t help my swift intake of breath, which he hopefully doesn’t notice.
What if I slid my hand up higher, under his shirt, over the smooth extent of his back?
Okay, this is getting out of control.As soon as we finish this episode, I’m going to get myself off.With any luck, once I take care of my needs, these thoughts will stop.
They do not stop.
The next day, when Evan is out for a walk, I call Claudia without texting her first.
“Hey,” I say when she picks up.I suddenly remember that since she’s three hours behind us, she’s probably still working.“Can you talk right now?Just for a few minutes.”
Her brows crease in concern.“What’s up?”
“I think I’m attracted to Evan.”
Claudia, at least, will understand how weird this is for me—and besides, she’s the only one who knows the truth about our marriage.There’s no one else I can tell.
“What happened?”she asks.
“Yesterday morning, he was just sitting there!On the floor!Beside Watson—”
“Wait, who’s Watson?”
“A giant plush penguin.He lives in our living room, and Evan dresses him up every day.Like, with a hat or a lei.Anyway, he was sitting next to Watson, and I thought he was kind of sexy.Ugh.”
“Do you actually want something to happen?Sexually, I mean.Or would you prefer to admire him from a distance?”
“My body wants something to happen,” I admit miserably.“It makes everythingsoconfusing and complicated.I wasn’t supposed to be attracted to my husband.”
