Page 123 of The Lost Reliquary
Always there. Always festering, in its own devoted way. I ignored it as best I could, focusing on anger instead. That ecstasy of their presence, that craving for their approval… for years, I wanted to believe it a side effect of their gift. But I knew better. I knew more. That love was born as soon as I saw them, before they chose me. The same way my hate was fed by the actions of their devoted Chosen, branches from the trunk of their divine tree. All of it—connected. Entangled in a way that can never be undone. Maybe not even after their death.
But that was a risk I was willing to take.
“What happened to Buttons?”
“Left behind,” he replies, “with Hiram.”
“Good.”
Then: “You were going to leave me behind in Cyprene.”
“Yup.”
“You knew where to find the reliquary all along.”
“No, but I found out eventually.” I wonder if there is any point to these answers. If they are helping at all. “Avery was the heretic masquerading as a mud cleric. I lied about killing him.” I pause. “Sorry.”
He gives me another confused look. Why I’m apologizing forthatand not every other way I’ve betrayed him… I don’t know. Maybe I just want to apologize for something. Even if I don’t regret it.
“I can’t live like this.” I can’t give him all the truth, but now, when it doesn’t matter anymore, I can give a little. “Be this person. Follow this path. It doesn’t matter what I feel. Love. Hate. I…” I sink, pressing my forehead against my knees. Close my eyes. “I want to be free of this. One way or another.”
And soon, I will be.
A few seconds pass. “You were given a gift.” His voice simmers, anger finally making its grand entrance. “The greatest gift anyone can possibly be given. You werechosenby the Goddess, made divine.”
“I was achild,” I spit, ignoring the vicious stab of pain as my head snaps up again. “A child whose whole world was razed before she was forced to become something she never really had a choice about.” My teeth clench. “How could I have said no, awash in the Goddess’s power?Of courseI wanted it. I wanted it and I hated it and I craved it and even now, the thought of it makes me sick. The Goddess’s divinity is as much a drug as the Renderers peddle. And they know that. They know how badly we all want their ‘gift,’ their favor, and what we’ll do in order to get it. That’s the power of the gods.” Oh, Osiron. Oh, that wretched truth. “It’s what it’s always been.”
Nolan says nothing.
“How far to the mainland?”
“A few days.”
A few more days to the Goddess. To the end.
“Here.” He pulls out a flask, pours the contents into a cup. “It’s only water.”
Nolan hands it over and I drink. Sips at first, then greedily. It’s empty long before my thirst is slaked but at least my mouth tastes less like something took its time dying in it. “Thanks. You sneak that in for me? Better not let Caius find out. He know about the seasickness?”
“We haven’t exactly been socializing.” Nolan takes the cup back. “I’ve kept to my cabin.”
I manage a cracked smile. “Don’t worry, your secret weakness is safe with me. Just do one thing?”
“What?” he says, wary.
“Don’t let him take the credit for all of this. Don’t let him spin some tale to Tempestra-Innara where he’s the hero and shove you to the side. I don’t mind being the villain so long as they know the truth—that Caius got lucky and not much more.Wewere the ones that tracked the reliquary to Cyprene. Make sure the Goddess knows that. You still deserve to be Executrix. Or avatar, if that’s what you really want. More than Caius deserves whatever he’s after. And a hell of a lot more than I ever did.”
I wait for a response, but nothing comes. The only sounds are the creaking of the ship bearing me toward my doom, and the faint rhythms of our breath as we stare at one another.
Eventually, Nolan gets up and exits, and I’m alone again.
Forty-eight
Whatever you may think or believe, Tempestra-Innara is merciful.
—SOMEONE WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER
IWOULDN’T RECOMMEND DELIRIUM, BUTit does help pass the time.
