Page 127 of The Lost Reliquary
My knees give out, the world around me retreating to some distant horizon.
“We will hold the ritual in a few days,” the Goddess announces, in complete disregard of my breakdown. “And then…” Their hand falls to the crown of my head, a damnable blessing. “Innara’s service will be done, and yours will truly begin.”
I stare at the place where their feet meet the floor, cold as ice.
“Come,” says Tempestra-Innara. “It would be unfair to Lys to have her anything other than her full self in front of her blood brethren. We must let her finish regaining her strength.”
The others shuffle toward the door obediently. Prior Petronilla eyes me as she passes. She appears as if she wants to say something. I feel likeIshould say something. LikeYou were always right about me. Or maybeYou were completely wronginstead. But I say nothing, the weight of her disappointment barely a pebble on the mountain I’ve built.
Only Nolan remains where he is. “May I speak with her?” He addresses the Goddess, a young boy asking Mother for a sweet. “Alone?”
The departing parade falters momentarily, scandalized yet again in this absolute clusterfuck of events, but the Goddess nods.
“Of course.” It is as if the request is nothing at all. They run a hand lightly over Nolan’s hair—affectionate. Loving. “The two of you… I have never been so reminded of the differences between my children. And of their similarities. We will all work well together, I think.”
My eyes meet Nolan’s. I’m not sure what that means, but I can guess. I’m not the only one who expected punishment and got rewarded instead.
Everyone, including Tempestra-Innara, leaves the chamber; I am left alone with Nolan.
And we’re back to awkward silences.
“Sorry.” I speak first, another apology. “It should be you.”
“I know.” He doesn’t specify what part of what I said those words apply to. “But I accept the Goddess’s will.”
“I don’t want this.”
“I know.”
“Executrix, then?”
“Yes.”
“Congratulations.”
We go back to quiet, during which everything in the room, in the whole world, seems to still. Then Nolan sits, bringing himself down to my level. Very considerate.
“Lys,” he says. “Being chosen as avatar… it’s an unimaginable honor.”
“No,” I spit. “It’s a life sentence. Now not only will my life not be my own, but my body won’t be either.” A laugh escapes, only a little hysterical. “The Goddess really got it right.Thisis the worst possible punishment they could have given me.”
Conflict rolls off Nolan like a heavy perfume. Within it, I scent a way out.
“Itshouldbe you.” I grab the bars again, pull myself closer to him. “Maybe it still can be.”
His brow knits with concern.
“Give me a blade.” A desperate grin splits my face. “And go. Couldn’t be any easier.”
Shock flashes in his eyes as his face turns hard. Then, sadness—a flood of it. More emotion than I’ve ever seen from him. “No.”
“Please. Youmusthate me for all of this.”
“I know. I should. And Iwasangry with you, so much so that I wanted more than anything to see you pay for betraying the Goddess… for betraying me. And then, when they said they’d chosen you to be their avatar, I… I knew I should be even more angry. But I wasn’t. I…” He stops, the struggle within him bared. Exposed. Is this what our blood mother’s unwelcome mercy has bought me? The full truth of Nolan’s thoughts? Two frustrated tears—honest to goodnesstears—escape, leaving glittering tracks over his pale cheeks. Everything makes even less sense now with him broken open, silently spilling like adamaged dam. “I don’t hate you at all. You were an obstacle… a means to an end… and then…”
He can’t finish. For all our training, our education, our experience, he doesn’t have the words for this. To be fair, neither do I. “Everything was a lot easier back when you were just quietly planning to kill me, huh?”
Silence, again.
