Page 68 of Reel Love
Without waiting for an answer, he walked past me toward the door.
“Wait, Ethan.” Something about watching him walk away for a second time jogged my mind. Ethan froze, his shoulders tense. Turning on his heel, he crossed his arms and then faced me. Doing my best to swallow the nerves that were threatening to silence me, I said, “Can we talk?”
“We already are.” Ethan shrugged, his tone flat.
“I mean, about us.”
“What is there left to say? You made your choice.”
I winced. Even though his words were true, they still stung.
“That’s what I want to talk about.” A muscle in Ethan’s jaw twitched as if he was biting down on something he wanted to say. The motion was almost imperceptible, but he might as well have started running, given what it did to my nerves. Taking a steadying breath, I forced myself to look at him. “I owe you an apology.”
Ethan’s eyes went wide with surprise as he rocked back on his heels. A small smile crossed my face as a peek at the warm, open Ethan that I’d gotten used to in Las Vegas shined through the mess I’d made. Catching sight of my expression, he attempted to recover his nonchalance, pressing his lips into a flat line and putting his hands in his pockets.
“Jamie Webb is admitting she made a mistake. That’s shocking.” Ethan shook his head. “Guess you couldn’t find anyone else to help you with your video?”
The little spark of hope that had flared up in my chest sputtered. Did he really think so little of me?
I toed the gravel beneath my feet and sucked in a cool breath of air. “I didn’t try to find anyone else.”
“Oh.” All the anger seemed to rush out of Ethan, and he stared at the same gravel I’d recently found so interesting. He appeared as lost as I felt. I took a step toward him, pausing when he picked his head up, and said, “Sorry. That was mean.”
“It’s okay.” I laughed, feeling some of the heartache between us ease. “After all, I was pretty mean to you.”
“Still. It’s sort of hard to maintain the moral high ground if you’re being an asshole.” Ethan gave a halfhearted laugh.
“I promise, if you still want to be mean after I’m done, you’ll have ample opportunity.” I exhaled with a nervous smile and took another small step toward him, holding my hands up in an I-come-in-peace gesture. “Over the past week, I’ve reviewed what happened in my head more times than I can count. It wasn’t fair of me to get upset with you over what Emmie did, unless I was going to get upset with my grandma, Nittha, Gabby, and literally everyone else at that con—except for Cricket.”
“Obviously.” Ethan smiled, then let his expression grow serious again.
“I meant what I said. I couldn’t figure out how to manage the risk of losing BamBam. It turns out, losing you hurt like hell, too. Please don’t.” Ethan shook his head like he didn’t believe me. I took another small step toward him, my chest aching as I watched frown lines appear on his face. “After I got home, I tried to forget everything you’d said, but I couldn’t.”
“Because I was right? Or because your grandma’s channels are being spammed by angry fans?” Ethan tilted his head to one side, watching me as if we were at the part in a scary movie where something unexpected jumped out and tried to murder the main character. His face was not reassuring.
“Okay, let me get this out before I lose my nerve.” I reached out to touch his arm, my hand stopping in midair as he watched me. I dropped my hand and moved a step closer. “You were right. I was hiding. At a certain point, I got so desperate for a sense of privacy that I just stopped being visible in public at all. It stung to hear, but once I thought about it, you weren’t wrong. And I couldn’t go back to pretending I didn’t know I wasn’t an active participant in my own life.”
Ethan took a deep breath, preparing to say something. I shook my head, willing myself through the hard part.
“I talked to my parents.” Unlocking my phone, I plowed on before he could interject. “I also told BamBam about you. Then I thought about our video. What we did was fine, but after everything we’d been through and everything you’d said, I started to think that maybe I’d been approaching the story wrong. Take out your phone.”
“What?” Ethan’s face was incredulous even as he reached into his pocket.
“Trust me.” I turned on Airdrop, then waited for Ethan’s phone to appear. Tapping my phone to his, I said, “There are two versions of the video. The one we planned and one that’s more…” I wavered for a moment, searching for the right word, then said, “…personal to us.”
“I don’t understand what is happen—”
I reached over and tapped the Accept button for Ethan. “Watch them, and it’ll make sense. You can decide what you want to do. You can submit one or none. It’s up to you.”
Putting my phone away, I watched as he squinted, trying to connect the dots. My heart hammered around inside my chest. “Whatever you choose, I understand. And I’m sorry.”
Giving Ethan a small smile, I ducked my head and walked toward the restaurant door. Everything that I could say, I’d said. The parts that I couldn’t find words for were in that video. If Ethan played it, and he still couldn’t forgive me…I didn’t want to think about that.
As soon as I walked into the restaurant, I spotted Nittha and Gabby, who were leaning left in their chairs, trying to see out the window where Ethan and I had been standing. Odell’s had a bajillion TVs all over the place. Tonight, they’d agreed to show the TrendCon entries on one of their big screens toward the back of the restaurant, mostly because it was a rare Saturday in the fall when none of the major sports had anything going on. I started weaving my way toward the high table my friends had picked out at the back of the restaurant, desperately trying not to make eye contact with the knot of Midwestern creators who’d all gathered here. Sterling waved at me, and I smiled back, hoping it was polite enough that it didn’t seem like I was avoiding him. I still hadn’t completely gotten over his role in the whole glitter debacle. Plus, I wasn’t about to risk him following me back to our table to I-told-you-so my potential heartbreak.
Spotting me, Gabby started waving, too, but like she wassignaling a plane from a desert island. Nittha, who’d left Cricket in the care of BamBam, since Odell’s didn’t allow dogs, turned all the way around in her chair, her eyes wide, as if blinking at me in Morse code. People could accuse our friend group of a lot of things. Subtlety would never be one of them.
“So…” Gabby said as soon as I got within earshot.
