Page 27 of The Dysfunctional Family's Guide to Murder
“The guy on her Instagram.”
The train is rolling out of the station, and even if I wanted to leap out onto the platform, it’s too late. Or maybe that’s a bad metaphor. Maybe the train is rolling but I’m on the tracks and there’s no chance to get out of the way. Out of my own way. Wait, am I thetrainor…?
“What are you talking about?”
I pick my phone up off my bedside table, then put it right back down when I remember there’s no internet. This is going to be harder without visual aids.
“You know I follow her on Instagram and TikTok, right?”
“I didn’t even know you wereonTikTok.”
“I lurk.” I sound defensive. I hate sounding defensive. “You don’t know what I’m talking about?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Am I going to do this? I’m going to do this. “She’s just been posting a lot more thirsty selfies than usual.”
“What does that even mean?”
Dylan is online enough to know exactly whatthirstymeans, but I indulge him anyway, somehow already regretting every moment of this conversation, even the bits that haven’t happened yet. “She’s been posting pics and videos where she looks super hot.”
“That’s what everyone does. That’s what social mediais.”
“That’s a very reductive view, but put that to the side for a moment. Lisa, historically, hasn’t posted thirsty selfies and now she’s posting lots. ExhibitA. ExhibitB: A guy called PandaBear02 has been liking all of them.”
“Who the hell is Panda Bear-oh-two?”
“That’s his social-media handle.”
“I didn’t think his parents, Mr.and Mrs.Bear-oh-two, named their kid Panda.”
“His real name is Paul and I think he’s a senior.”
Dylan’s face does a thing, like maybe that name and my single-line description aren’t completely unfamiliar to him. I do the classy thing and don’t ask him if he knows a Paul who’s a senior and has been creeping around his girlfriend. “How do you know that?”
“Theinternet,Dylan.”
“Heaps of random dudes follow Lisa on social. Some ofthem are weird and creepy. Her DMs are a toilet,” Dylan protests.
“It’s just that whenever he comments—which he does all the time—Lisa likes or replies to his comments. She doesn’t do that with the other weirdos.”
“Okay.”
“And when I set up a fake profile so I could follow PandaBear02 on Instagram, I—”
“Wait, really?”
“—I noticed that for the past couple of months, he’s been doing a lot of vagueposting of, like, a photo of a sunset with ‘thinking of her’ or something super cheesy like that. Kinda creepy, too.”
“Says the stalker.”
“Andthena week or two ago he posted a photo of a girl, shot from behind, like you couldn’t see her face. But she had long brown hair.”
“Lots of girls have long brown hair.Youhave long brown hair.”
“It’s really more of a lob, but thanks for noticing. So this Panda—”
“His name is Paul Rainbow,” Dylan says abruptly, red blooming high on his cheeks.
