Page 103 of Backslide
I don’t want to relate to this but I do. So close, yet so far. My relationship mantra. And I never wanted to settle.
Because, somehow, I always sensed that there was something better. And now, with a sharp intake of breath, I fear I know why.
“I wonder the same thing,” I say carefully. “But—and I mean this more than anything—I would always rather be alone than with the wrong person.”
He nods solemnly. “Exactly.”
His gaze falls to my face, which he examines so intently that I no longer know what to do with it—part my lips, blink, arch my brows.
It’s like he can read my thoughts.
I stretch my neck, side to side, pretending not to feel the effects of his focus on me, hot and heavy.
“I owe you an apology,” he says finally, eyes downcast for a moment but then flitting back up to find mine.
“The pastawaspretty undercooked.” I smile, taking a sip of cider.
“Not for that.”
“Oh. For… it’s okay.” No part of me wants to discuss this, but I charge ahead. I am trying to be a grown-up, which is not my strength. “Look—when you stopped things in the hot tub, I got angry. But I think I was mostly embarrassed. Because I thought… but now I realize that, even if you panicked, you did the right thing. By stopping things before they got out of hand. Well,moreout of hand.”
“I don’t mean that either.”
And then I let myself know what he means.
There’s a silence as the weight of his sentiment descends, landing inside me so differently than when I’d imagined him saying these words to me. So many times. Over so many years. Until it cycled almost entirely out of my daydream rotation.
It doesn’t make me feel vindicated; it makes me feel sad.
“When I think back to the day you reached out and told me… that you might be pregnant, and the way I acted—” Noah pauses, his brow furrowed, his palm flat on the island like it might keep us steady. “I would have killed any guy who treated my sister that way. I was…”
“A child.”
“Yes. And no.”
“Noah. We were kids. It was a million years ago. And you were already grappling with watching your future, as you thought you knew it, crumble under your feet.”
And I realize I mean it. Maybe I really can begin to forgive that eighteen-year-old boy.
“We were, but it still mattered—and it mattersnow,” he says, his eyes dark and haunted. “It’s still the moment I regret most in my life. Because what I did, that choice in that instant, kickstarted a domino effect that destroyed everything in its path.”
“Not everything.”
“No?”
“No. Because look at you,” I say, with what I realize is genuine fondness and maybe even a little awe. I rest my palm on top of his strong hand. I don’t notice how nice it is or how the contact reverberates through me because I am impervious. “You’re adoctor. And a good guy. A full person. With friends and a life, away from the toxic shit we grew up around. And maybe that would never have happened for you if those dominos hadn’t fallen.”
He looks at me, a little slyly, glancing from my face to my hand and back again. Feeling exposed, I’m tempted to pull my palm away, but don’t. Instead, I play chicken with myself. “Thanks for saying that, Nell… can I call you Nell, again?”
“Let’s just assume yes. For now.”
“The truth is,” he says, avoiding my eyes for a beat again. “A big part of what motivated me all these years was… you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah,” he shrugs, now resolute and gazing at me fiercely. “I wanted to show you what I could do. I wanted to prove… anyway. You’re being generous, but the truth is it’snotokay. What I did was unforgivable. And I know even if you’re trying, it may never be possible for you to fully let that hurt—that betrayal—go. Which I hate. But I don’t blame you for being pissed. Even so many years later. I treated you like shit. You didn’t deserve that.”
And I can’t tell him it’s untrue. That would be disingenuous. Because let’s be honest—Iamstill angry after all these years. At least I was, as recently as this morning. Even before Noah left me waiting all by myself, scared and destroyed that night, I had already begun to mourn him—at least the version of him I had loved and who had loved me. It was like the boy who was everything to me had disappeared. I had never felt so alone.
