Page 85 of Backslide
“Actually, I can. Lately you haven’t given me a reason to believe anything else.”
There is the twist of a knife. There is a blank space where there used to be words.
“Fine. Maybe I’ll see you,” he grunts, and hangs up before she can beat him to it.
And she sits on her bed, in the aftermath of the call, holding the receiver in quaking hands and feeling broken.
The loneliness that descends is total.
The conversation went just as she planned. And yet she only feels empty.
She will go to California. But does she want to leave likethis?
That night, though Cara and Sabrina are busy again, Nellie goes solo to Chloe’s party.
Because Noah has massively disappointed her. She is deeply angry. But she knows he’s good at heart. Somewhere in there, the good, funny, caring Noah still exists. And he is hers. While she is definitely going to California with or without him now, this doesn’t have to be the end.
Maybe she can still convince him to come.
They’re pissed. They’re hurt. They’re both going through a lot. But they can do it together.
But when she shows up at the party, there is only crash and burn.
Because as she kisses Chloe hello at the door and then weaves her way through the throngs in the dark club—one with the same strobes and press of bodies and half-spoiled smell as the night when they first saw each other—she searches for Noah everywhere. It’s Lydia who runs into Nell first and points him out. And when she follows Lydia’s gesture, she sees he’s not seated on a platform like that first night. He is leaning against a partition at the edge of the dance floor.
And his tongue is down the throat of a girl she has met a couple of times before—some friend of Lydia’s.
Chastity or Crystal or Christa?
Her mind stops. Her world goes dark. It teeters on its axis again.
Nellie brings a hand to her chest as recognition—oily and viscous—sears through her, decomposing all she understands. Light turns to midnight. Her heart pounds like it’s trying to escape. There is a strong possibility she will throw up.
He feels her eyes on him. Looks up. Sees her see him.
Sees the slack look on her face.
His mouth drops open—in shock? In awe? In recognition of the decision he has made?
Because this is a decision. Make no mistake. Punishment for not choosing him.
Lydia stands beside Nellie, following her gaze to Noah, still twisted up with her friend. “Sorry,” she says, barely containing her grin. “But I told you he was out of your league.”
Colossal destruction. Thunderous collapse. It’s not what either of them planned. And yet, they have masterminded this.
Nellie takes one last look at Noah, who has untangled himself as if to make his way toward her.
But the abyss between them is too deep. There is nothing left to say.
She turns to go. Bass thunders in her ears. And he can’t get to her fast enough. He watches her recede and disappear into the crowd.
And this is when the rest of their lives begin.
19NOAHTODAY
Nell and I are in my rental car, cruising down the 101 South. I’m in the driver’s seat and she’s the passenger, huddled in a hoodie and shorts. A progressively cooler breeze is blowing in through the partially open windows, but neither of us makes a move to close them.
And this is literally the last place I expected to be today—at least with her.
