Page 103 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
My glare intensifies.
‘He was drunk?’ replies a shocked Sarah.
‘No. Have you not met my boring older brother? Just a bit of speeding and he clipped a cop car.’
My body relaxes. Sarah looks a little bored that the gossip wasn’t worth hearing. Stu is finding it hard to contain his giggles. She looks over, wondering what’s so funny.
‘Just thought I’d check all was OK.’ I like how she masquerades her nosiness for concern. ‘And did you have fun last night? Have heard they had to close the whole pub and get a professional cleaner in.’
I turn to Stu. This information is not surprising and I’m just glad he wasn’t doing the partying in my house. I won’t give Sarah the satisfaction of telling Stu off like his own mother so I just smile through gritted teeth.
‘I’m more than OK, Sarah. Good to see your husband down there as well. Saw him at that exhibition last week too?’
And that’s all he needs to do.
‘What exhibition was that then?’ She registers an uncomfortable look, fakes another smile and leaves. Like a version of the Pied Piper except the kids under her remit are reluctant to follow and I think she may have forgotten one that sits under a table chowing down on a box of breadsticks.
Stu looks at me. ‘Nothing much has changed from school, eh?’
‘Was she always like that?’
‘Yep. Gob like a black hole. That said, I also got busy with her cousin back in the day so she’s never been keen on me.’
I close my eyes, slowly as he burps under his breath. Oh, Stuart. My phone bleeps. I look down at the texts waiting for me. It’s always an assortment of school reminders and junk but there’s one from Emma to tell me she’s slept with the anaesthetist, another from my mother telling me that she thinks Emma is sleeping with someone.
There’s also a message from Danny.
Is it done?
Done x
I let Stu wander off to settle the bill.
Did you know Stu had slept with Sarah Milner’s cousin?
Quicker to work out who he hasn’t slept with
I haven’t slept with him
Good to know. Olive from work has brought in a pie that she won at a fair
Apple?
Like a giant pork pie. It’s as big as Polly. She says her and Stan will never finish it so she’s gifted it to us.
Dinner?
With chips?
That’s the dirtiest thing you’ve ever said to me.
You love it
I do x
Eighteen
I’m not sure what has been the strangest part of this whole Mintcake thing. For me, it might be how the story has veered from the ridiculous to the sublime. One moment I’m having sex in my husband’s office, adopting positions I’ve not managed since the early noughties and feeling that sexual spark for my husband who in secret is some undercover erotic porn baron. The next I’m stood at a school Christmas Bazaar watching a donkey take a dump in the school playground. A gaggle of schoolchildren next to me roar with laughter and I giggle to myself. Polly hangs off my hip and smothers the last of a self-iced gingerbread man down my face. Thanks, Polly. I squeeze her tight and pick crumbs and sprinkles out of her hair. The donkey next to us is not done with leaving a huge steaming pile of dung here but now has revealed he also has a giant donkey dick. There are two boys next to me who are in hysterics. I look around for Danny. This is the stuff you should be drawing. The person in charge of the donkey approaches with a stack of newspapers to cover the offending pile and I recognise the top headline immediately.
