Page 106 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
Jez suddenly catches Danny’s eye. Balls. Not another confrontation here, in our kids’ school and amongst the personalised handmade ornaments. Of course, Sarah is none the wiser about their altercation. Briony stares her up and down.
‘Mrs Randall. Do you have ones for Maisy? Evening ladies.’
Sarah is not without her own brand of disapproving looks at Briony’s outfit. That said, she’s turned up in a jumper where Christmas puddings cover her boobs. Jez looks slightly pale making me wonder what Danny and Stu said to him outside The Brewery. Mrs Randall plasters a smile on knowing that what’s about to unfold will at least be entertaining and worth her having to stay late.
‘Where’s Ian tonight, Briony?’ Sarah asks.
And so it starts. Briony is wise to this game.
‘Oh, he’s visiting his granny in Storth. Taken her to a Christmas carol service.’
‘Isn’t that lovely? He should have brought her here. It’s nice to bring your whole family to these things, isn’t it?’ She interlocks arms with Jez in the same way a constrictor may capture prey. Briony, who is here without allies, interlocks her arm in Danny’s. I’m not entirely bothered but Sarah looks incredulous.
‘Oh, I didn’t realise you were all pals?’ Sarah replies snidely, looking Briony up and down. ‘How cosy.’
Jez giggles.
‘What you trying to say?’ Briony asks.
‘Well, I guess you and Danny went out for a good while. It’s lovely that he’s back and you can reconnect.’
I cock my head to one side. Briony lets go of Danny who can sense something brewing here but doesn’t know how to intervene.
‘Reconnect as mates, get to know his lovely wife and family,’ mentions Briony.
‘I’m sure.’
Briony stares them both down. I can’t breathe for the tension. And then Sarah looks down at Briony’s stomach and then over at Danny. I laugh, quite hard. Danny shakes his head. But Briony? Well, this is where she loses her shit. I know what it’s like to try and take the high road but I also know what it’s like to be three months pregnant. The hormones are high, you really do not care who you insult or hurt and you become increasingly protective of your herd. And so like some angry Christmas cat, Briony literally goes in for the kill. I think about what she told me at soft play.I’ll have her.Is this it? She hurls herself in Sarah’s direction, Jez joins in, trying to drag her away. It’s a blur of Christmas jumpers, manicured nails and teeth.
‘Lying shit-stirring scumbags the two of you.’
There’s a slap, someone grabs hair. I am secretly horrified and enthralled. Sarah puffs out her chest and uses her handbag as a weapon. Briony loses her balance and her skirt flies up to reveal she’s wearing a thong. A red sequinned thong. Danny hands me the baby and tries to calm everyone down. Good luck with that. Jez says words you really shouldn’t be saying in a school. A random dad gets involved and calls Jez a plank. There’s a spillage of glitter and pencil pots. People file into the room to watch. I hear a baby crying. I think there’s a mum over there with popcorn. It’s an actual bloody physical fight, the sort you wish most at the school gate would have to sort out all those petty issues over parking and lost cardigans. Mrs Randall glances over at me. There’s a look that says this is not in her job description. I want to join in and cheer them on angry mob style. I don’t. I look at Danny.
‘Bird, you’re pregnant. Calm down,’ hollers Danny.
‘Don’t tell me to calm down. Tell her the gobshite!’
‘What did you call my wife?’
‘What do you care, you cheating bit of toerag! I’ve seen you coming out of the Winterburns’ house!’
There are tears and fingers and accusations. Danny stands in the middle. He looks over at me and shrugs but also seems slightly bewildered that I am so calm in this melee. It’s fine, Danny. I know that’s not your baby. I know you’re trying to do the right thing here like you always do. I know. I look down at Polly, laughing at the grown-ups in a pile on the floor, as she tries to eat some homemade decorations. She giggles. This is much better than that CBeebies rubbish you make me watch.
Twenty minutes later and Danny and I have found a school bench, freezing our arses off with a paper plate selection of cake sale items, cheap crisps, an incinerated barbecue mix and mulled wine which we’re topping up with a few swigs of the cherry brandy we won in the tombola. We got sloshed pretty quickly to calm ourselves after that fracas, evident in the fact that I feel like I could strip and sprint home and it’s easily only two degrees. Polly sleeps soundly next to us swathed in fleece and we’ve lost the other daughters to games involving skittles and twenty pence pieces.
Across the way, our good friend PC Gary Walsh is taking statements from people as he was called in to calm down the event. He’s lost none of his sanctimony and waves his finger at a dad who trashed a fake Christmas tree. Naturally, we made ourselves scarce when Walshy entered the scene. We didn’t see a thing guv’nor. But I make a mental note to tell Emma about this. I bet her highfalutin Christmas events down South don’t come with fights where people use tinsel as lassos. I notice Danny glancing over as an interesting scene unfolds before us. Briony and Sarah share a picnic bench, one has a bleeding nose, the other a fat lip. Jez is nowhere to be seen. They share a tissue and then go in to hug each other. We must be drunk if those two are talking again.
‘Can you wear thongs when you’re pregnant, isn’t that bad for your bits?’
I like that this is what Danny’s got out of all of this.
‘Well, she’s a braver bird than me, that’s for sure.’
We watch as Sarah cries on her shoulder and Briony continues to console her. Both of us are comforted by the fact that despite the comedy fighting, some good has possibly come of this.
‘Were they ever mates?’ I ask.
‘Once. In school. Not sure what happened though.’
