Page 109 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘You missed a proper fight too,’ I tell him.
‘I heard. I always miss the good stuff. Last year I missed the mum who fell off the sleigh.’
I know that mum and saw everything. She was drunk off her tits. Her name is Helen. She still gets called Jingle Hels.
‘Stuart, I saw you getting up and personal with Jo McArthur too. You are incorrigible,’ mentions Ru.
Danny and I stare at him intently. We didn’t stay for all of that. Was he hoping for one last round before he left?
Stu smiles. ‘Just playing it for laughs. Even with my questionable morals I don’t think I’d go back there. She was very mean during sex too, she liked to bark out instructions like I were a Labrador.’
‘Stay, lie down, good boy,’ jokes Danny.
Ru laughs. ‘Well, you’ll never guess what I just heard on my stall. Couple of mums speculating that McArthur is your Mintcake man.’
Danny looks horrified. I forget that Ro and Ru know sometimes.
‘Dirty bastard,’ giggles Stu. ‘What makes them think that?’
‘That article in Wezzie said it were a local man, married, with three young kids. The ages tally up too.’
We all look up. Both the McArthurs are up on the stage, rearranging microphones, looking like they’re about to announce their candidacy for the Presidency. Bollocks. Is it bad that we’ve diverted the attention to him? I don’t know whether to feel guilt or relief. Is this what it will be like for the rest of time? He’ll remain an urban legend, a myth of sorts. McArthur bends over and a few heads in the crowd turn.
Stu laments. ‘Desperate housewives. My arse is much better than his.’
I don’t have the heart to tell him otherwise. I think Danny’s is the far superior of the lot in front of me.
‘I tell thee though, the number of women who’ve been rubbing their tits in my face all night. No wonder Captain Mintcake is all they can talk about.’
It’s a bold statement to make out in the open but luckily the only other people who surround us are sleeping children and the errant few Year 6 kids who’ve broken away from the bazaar to trash school property.
‘Are you complaining?’
‘Nah, but it’s just sad. I don’t understand that age when you suddenly buy a sensible motor, slap on some chinos, have a few kids and forget what sex is, or at least stop having fun with it,’ says Stu.
‘That’s generalising it a little,’ Ru argues. I can’t help but look down at Ru’s feet.
I intervene. ‘They’re just lonely, Stu. When you’re a woman and the only people you ever meet are kids and other mums, then you go into some weird hyperdrive when you meet other men, especially ones who look like you.’
‘Smeggsy, I do believe that is a compliment.’
I shake my head at him. I take back everything I said and thought. ‘That or, like you say, it’s just pure desperation…’
‘Cow.’
‘But seriously, if Captain Mintcake helps some people remember what it is to feel sexual, to feel desired and have a laugh then hell, he might be doing a good public service.’
Danny looks over at me and smiles. I love him for doing his bit for the community. But I also realise that maybe we fall under that category too. We forgot, didn’t we? To have sex. To have fun. We flatlined and the Captain brought us back to life. I raise a cup in Danny’s direction and he does the same.
‘Finally…’ mumbles Rufus.
Our attention is suddenly taken by the children filing out of the school building, including Tess who waves at us manically in a Santa hat that’s two sizes too big and Rowan, who is ushering children and looking like she’s going to break out a tambourine solo. Eve appears out of nowhere with something resembling an ylang ylang incense stick set and a bag full of marshmallows. Stu helps himself to her stockpile and we watch as a music teacher struggles to get to grips with the PA system.
‘Errrm, hello. Hello? Hello! Ferney Green Primary School! Who’s having fun tonight?’ It’s McArthur on the microphone. He laughs nervously, trying to regain a bit of calm amongst the drunk scrappy parents. I think he should sing. This is what this surreal evening needs, him and the wife banging out a Christmas duet. ‘Firstly, can I say a huge thank you to our PTA tonight for their stellar work in bringing the joy of Christmas into our school…’
Both Morton brothers stand there swigging at alcoholic beverages and swaying slightly. Don’t heckle the head teacher, lads. A hand falls into mine. Gorgeous little Eve, how are you daughter of mine?
‘Mummy, who is Captain Mintcake?’
