Page 18 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘Did you hear it from someone else?’
‘No. I hacked into an account he has on a sex toy website and it turns out he’s been ordering shed loads off this place. Not stuff I’ve ever seen either…’
I could hear her almost giggle on the other side of the phone. ‘And?’
I was annoyed at how calm she was over this revelation.
‘I mean I know it’s not someone sending you a pic of their minge over a mince pie but still…’
‘Bitch.’
We’ve had to ban mince pies from our Christmas gatherings since that whole debacle.
‘Cow,’ I replied. ‘This is serious, who on earth buys so many sex toys? I sure as hell haven’t seen them in this house.’
‘Have you spoken about this with him? Asked him to his face?’
‘I can’t.’ I could hear her rolling her eyes at me.
‘Well, I’m not sure why we’re having this conversation then? It’s Danny. Lovely Danny. He’s like aCountryfilepresenter, all honest and earthy. He’s not a Simon. I know it. This is probably a misunderstanding. And if it isn’t…’
‘Yes…?’
‘Well, when you have concrete evidence then that’s when you call me so I can jump on the M6 and cut that man’s bollocks off with a rusty scalpel.’
It was what I needed to hear: fire. Raw emotion had quelled that in me.
‘Are you in bed? Get up, one foot in front of another and stop overthinking it.’
‘You mean ignore it? I can’t do what you did, Ems. If he’s cheating on me then this is something I want to face head on.’
‘True,’ she said. ‘I let too much pass but I also didn’t sit crying to you lot about what a dickhead he was. I once caught Simon in our kitchen going down on a twenty-two-year-old Australian nanny. She had her legs akimbo on the counter where I make my toast. And you know what I did? I got on with life. I had daughters. I had a career and even though I knew the worst was happening, it was never going to destroy me. Has mum taught you nothing? You’re a Callaghan woman, don’t you know?’
The words were straight out of our mother’s mouth. Fiona Callaghan didn’t raise daughters who moped in their beds and cried about the state of their unions. She raised dragons.
‘The Australian girl with the tattoos and the piercings?’ I asked.
‘Yup. Turns out she was pierced all over the place too. I’m a sodding surgeon and I swear I haven’t seen a vagina in that much detail.’
‘How does that work? A piercing right through the flaps?’
‘That’s not anatomically possible. She’d pee like an irrigation system.’
I laughed. The first time I’d done that today, properly.
‘Good girl. Haven’t you got that birthday thingy today?’
‘Yep.’
‘Go… Get drunk. You can have a slurry rant to me later if you want? I’ll be back at about ten. Have to do this drinks date thing with an anaesthetist.’
‘Is he fit?’
‘I’m not quite sure. He drives a Kia.’
‘Reliable.’
‘Potentially a bit dull. I love you, sis. This is nothing and this isn’t you.’
