Page 24 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘Shame that dresser didn’t land on your todger really…’
Our small section of the waiting room freezes. A pregnant woman gets up and moves to get closer. The lady with the cold is still putting the jigsaw together. He was shagging the dresser? Danny hates the attention. Stu, meanwhile, is patting down his pockets for coins so he can escape. I was once happy and powerfully drunk but now I’m bleeding and a pulsing feeling stings with every beat. Bitter drunk is rising to the surface and she’s got a bit of a gob on her.
‘You didn’t even try and catch the dresser when it fell on me. It’s like you wanted me to die, out of the way…’
‘Lucky it’s that cheap IKEA crap you bought. Solid wood dresser and you’d have been a goner.’
Stu has no change. He sits there wondering whether to referee or magic some Maltesers from somewhere else.
‘Was Kayleigh alright to come back and stay a bit longer with the girls?’ I ask.
‘I’ll have to pay her double rate though, it’s past midnight,’ Danny replies.
‘Then geez, go back then. Stu’s here. Stu can stay with me.’
‘Quiet now…’
‘Idiot.’
Our section of the waiting room is loving the unfolding drama. The pregnant woman who was possibly in labour before is no longer that bothered about impending childbirth.
‘Meg Morton?’
I don’t see who’s called my name but I put my hand up in the air like that kid in class who knows all the answers. The nurse approaches me from behind.
‘Stewie Morton… Christ, haven’t seen you in an age!’
Stu looks up with wide eyes. ‘Joanne McArthur?’
Danny looks to the floor. Great. We have a nurse but it’s a) our kids’ headteacher’s wife b) someone who used to date Stu briefly at school. I look on at her perfect nurse’s hair.
‘And Danny too… it’s a Morton brothers two-for-one tonight. How are you, love? How’s your mam and dad?’
I haven’t seen Jo McArthur that much, only at school fairs when she appears with her family entourage to support her husband. She’s the chatty sort, forever smiling, the kind who wouldn’t shout and let life get her down but glosses over everything with a Pinterest meme of a rainbow and an inspirational quote.
‘Good to see you again, Jo. You know the missus…’ Danny says, gesturing at me.
‘Only by face… Meg, I’m Jo. I’ll do triage, I just need to take a look…’
She peels back the towel from my leg. The lady with the cold jumps back in her seat.
‘Flipping Nora, what on earth did you do?’ Jo asks.
I glare at Danny.
‘She fell…’
‘Does it hurt?’ she asks.
I look down. Mother of bollocks. Is that leg even mine? There’s a large split to the middle about four inches long and little splinters encircle it leaving rivulets of blood trickling down my skin. It’s like an acupuncture session gone wrong.
‘There were quite a lot of blood.’
‘He’s lying.’ The room is starting to swirl a little. ‘He’s lying.’
‘Meg, are you feeling woozy?’
Danny tries to hold my head upright. ‘She’s been drinking like a fish all night…’
