Page 56 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
Interesting to hear that Tim thinks Danny makes a living out of this though. I can wish.
‘So, what happens when you find out who it is?’ asks Stu.
‘Oh, it’s part of a bigger story. The reveal alone could make him quite the celebrity. A million on the table to start, apparently.’
Stu stops to give me a look. And this is why you buggers should check your phones more. He’s slightly lost for words and I worry he’s going to give the game away so I click my fingers.
‘Garçon, oi! My pizza’s burning.’
Still stunned, he turns to the oven. I see him steady himself over the counter. I try to distract Tim by pouring him more wine, hoping his journalistic instincts aren’t honed enough yet to read Stu’s reactions.
‘The one way to catch him out is maybe via Instagram? Apparently, he sells the images so we could purchase one and make contact that way? Offer him cash for his story?’
Oh, Tim. That’s a great way to approach him – well thought through but you can’t go there, you really can’t.
‘You still think it’s a man? I think we should reserve judgement. People write or draw under all sorts of noms de plume. Let’s think outside the box. I also think it’s someone single. I mean I don’t know any married person who’d have the time to do all of this?’ The last part stings a bit. I say everything calmly. I have had some wine.
‘Maybe their partner knows about it.’
Maybe theydon’t. Maybe all those times she thought he was downstairs, watchingThe Wirebox set and asleep on the sofa, he was drawing schlongs.
‘Nope, lots here to assume he’s married. There’s real fantasy stuff here: threesomes, dogging with a partner, work affairs.’
Stu realises any initial shock he had is now mine. He swoops in to be my wingman.
‘But isn’t it just that: fantasy, a fiction of that person’s imagination?’
‘Or maybe some married man who isn’t getting enough and just writing everything down out of frustration?’
There’s not enough wine in the world to mask my inner turmoil. Stu looks at me. I guess he hadn’t thought about the situation in that much detail. To him, his older brother had a new hobby which was amusing and meant he could torment him. He hadn’t thought about the motivation. I wrinkle my nose to try hide the fact that I’m holding back emotion. Stu springs into action to try and divert Tim’s attention.
‘I’ll put the pizzas in the middle of the table, just dig in mate.’
Stu doesn’t break my gaze. I can’t quite read him but he seems concerned, protective. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt that from him.
‘Bit of a harsh assumption?’ Stu suddenly pipes in. Stu, please don’t. He continues. ‘Maybe he is an artist. Maybe he’s not frustrated but the sex he’s getting is so good that he’s drawing some of that shit down.’
He looks at me when he says this. Bless you, Stu. Not the truth at all but thank you.
Tim laughs. ‘Well, you’ve obviously heard better things than me about married sex. Isn’t it the popular conception that you get married and you just don’t do it anymore? One of my big sisters is trying for a baby; she has sex on a schedule. It’s on the fridge.’
Stu laughs but takes a quick glance at my fridge door.
‘I mean that’s half of Captain Mintcake’s following, no doubt,’ Tim carries on. ‘Bored housewives whose best sex lives are behind them…’ I have a feeling Tim may have had more wine than me when I was upstairs so the barriers are down and the lips are looser.
Am I in that bracket? Is my best sex behind me? We don’t do it to schedule but I know what it’s like to put other things before sex. Like sleep. I can’t believe I’ve become a cliché that younger folk like Tim look at and jest about.
‘Or maybe it’s more than that?’ Stu whispers quietly. He takes a bite out of his pizza. ‘Like take Meg and Danny here.’ My eyes widen. Tim listens on intently. ‘I was there when they got together, we all lived together in London.’
‘Good times,’ I add. Stu attempts to high five me. I am reluctant but join in.
‘They used to do it a lot. Flat had thin walls. Then they got married, moved here, had the babies. I don’t know what sort of sex they’re having…’
They both look at me. I say nothing to hint that it’s a private matter but dudes, we did it twice in one day about four weeks ago.
‘But man, they’re like best mates. It’s like what my parents have. No doubt the old codgers aren’t at it every day, dad’s heart wouldn’t take it for a start, but it’s more than that. It’s life. It’s finding someone you want to spend your life with. I’d kill for what Meg and Danny have.’
I pause for a moment to look at Stu. Is this an act or a moment of sincerity? Is this why he was so angry before? Not to protect his brother but to safeguard a relationship he’d seen grow from the roots? He looked up to both of us, our marriage, our family.
