Page 62 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
Except I know what he’ll say. He’s doing this for his dad, the family, for a lot of people who work at the mill and have lives and families and mortgages to pay. His pencil slows down on the page. I change the subject.
‘I think this strap-on goes particularly well with my hoodie.’ He smiles. ‘It’s a strange old beast though, eh? If I were a lesbian, I don’t think I’d bother. You’d have to break the passion to fiddle with the straps and cue it up.’
Danny chuckles, returning to his sketch.
‘So, if you were a lesbian…Wish list?’
‘Kylie, obviously.’
‘Naturally.’
I pause for a moment. I never really think about my girl list because I’m never quite sure what I’d do when faced with some lady bits that aren’t my own.
‘Is J Lo too obvious?’
‘Nah, she’s still got it.’
‘And someone a bit off-kilter I reckon…Grace Jones?’
Danny’s pencil moves off his page and he cracks up.
‘What the actual…Meg?’
I laugh with him. ‘Who doesn’t bloody love Grace Jones? She’s a formidable woman. She’d bring her hula hoop. It’d be amazing.’
‘That’s proper dominatrix shit.’
‘You’re just not as hardcore as me, Morton.’ I do a little move in my strap-on.
‘She’d eat me alive,’ admits Danny.
‘What a way to go though? Here lieth Daniel Morton, husband and father who died peacefully while Grace Jones sucked his testicles through his actual cock.’
Danny who usually tries to pretend I’m not hilarious can’t quite take it and creases up with laughter. There are actual tears while I stand at the end of the bed wearing my dildo contraption. ‘I have beds to strip, get back to it.’ He picks up his sketch book, wiping the tears from his eyes as the giggles subside.
‘Well, can I ask you the same question? Celebrity male fantasy shag list…Go!’
‘Seriously, no one…not my bag.’
I look at him. Is he lying to save my blushes?
‘C’mon, Keanu Reeves inSpeed?’
‘No.’
‘Harry Styles?’
‘I’m pretty sure I’m about three times his age.’
‘I’d totally support it if you wanted to experiment.’
He smiles. ‘I’m good. I am.’
‘Really?’
He puts the sketch book aside and comes to my side of the bed. There is a dildo between us turned up like a happy elephant’s trunk but he comes and puts a hand to my face and gives me a kiss on the forehead.
‘You know I was there when Stu and Tim were talking about married sex and all that bull. I heard. Polly and I had a little nose by the kitchen door.’
