Page 72 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
I nod. This is their thing.
‘Meg. I am so glad that ankle’s better. Any problems with it?’ she asks.
‘Oh god, it’s good as new. Obviously just fell on it strangely…’
‘That were a funny night, eh?’
Not as funny as what’s happening right now. I look at Danny, slightly confused. We’re doing chit-chat, aren’t we? There is an awkward silence as Jo and Tim take their leave to the master bedroom to get changed. Do we leave now? Danny and I loiter in the corridor.Don’t look in the bedroom. All I find myself thinking is that I hope they’re looking after their bits. But then she’s a nurse, I’m sure she has this in hand. Danny waves over at me to look through the cracks in the bedroom door. I don’t want to watch them get changed you dirty sod. But then I see it. It’s a bloody swing.
‘How old are your lads now?’ Danny politely enquires as we make our way downstairs, led by McArthur. He’s much better at acting normal in these circumstances while I’m quiet and shell-shocked. We’ve left Joanne and Tim upstairs and said our goodbyes. Do I remind them to be safe and look after each other? Don’t forget that lasagne too – it’ll dry out and be inedible otherwise.
‘Max is the same age as your Tess, then Riley is eight and Evan is four.’
They have a son called Max McArthur. He sounds like he’d be a property magnate when he’s older, with a sideline in evil empires. I can’t say these things out loud. I have all the words and the puns and the sarcasm but they must be kept deep within me. Until I get to the car at least. I smile.
‘Your youngest bairn is—’
‘Polly’s coming up to nine months.’
‘Fantastic. Who’d have thought Danny Morton would one day spend his life surrounded by a bevy of lovely girls?’
Danny laughs. I don’t. I just smile maniacally as he’s passed a very strange compliment my way that could be construed as a little bit creepy.
‘I’m not sure what to say, Danny,’ he mutters awkwardly.
‘You don’t have to mate. You really don’t.’
‘Er, can I offer you a cuppa?’
I stare at my husband. I know you love tea but really, don’t. Not now. A shot of tequila would actually be the answer. Danny shakes his head.
‘We tried to force the door open. We ran through all the options and then Tim said your name, Meg, and how he trusted you so it felt safe to ask you to help us… I have to be careful because of who I am and what I do but it’s a lifestyle choice and one that’s private and not for the consumption of others.’
‘Well mate, you have our discretion,’ replies Danny.
This is unlike any parent/teacher conference I’ve ever had.
‘And besides Tim vouching for you, Jo also mentioned something when you were at hospital with your ankle. Something about dildos and some adventurous sex and another woman and we just thought you’d understand…’
Wow.So they also have us here because they think we’re like them? Danny covers his face like it might hide his reaction. I’ve just about rekindled sexual relations with my own husband. I giggle a little under my breath. Danny knows I can’t actually speak.
‘We’re adventurous, Mike, but not with other people.’
I am tempted to applaud my husband’s diplomacy. That was a perfect answer. Adventurous is overstating it a little – we just managed it over the duvet in the middle of the day about a week ago. But I guess wearea little more open-minded and understanding than most. I’ll take that. McArthur gives him a thumbs up and I take that as our cue to leave so he can continue his evening’s activities. McArthur goes to embrace Danny who baulks at the physical contact.
‘Well, you lot have a nice evening. Mum’s the word and all that,’ says Danny.
‘Again, we are so sorry we dragged you into this.’
‘Mate, I’ve known you for years. This is new but no more awkward than you knowing I was doing my wife up wall when I dropped her on her backside.’ He said that out loud, didn’t he? ‘You’re both decent folk. Is what it is. We know Tim, good lad and all. Nice to see the gaff too. I remember when this place belonged to Martin Longdale.’
‘Yup, him with the tractors. Bought it a shell and have just done it up slowly.’
‘Doing a nice job with it. I heard Longdale moved to Amsterdam and opened up a titty bar.’
They both laugh. Compared to the open marriage here, cock-sketcher and Martin with the tractors, I suddenly feel like the most boring person in the room. I’m not quite sure what has happened but tomorrow I’m going to have to say hello to McArthur at the school gate without smirking. While we talk, we tread over to the front door. Escape feels necessary now. Keep up with the small talk, Danny. Ask them if that’s magnolia on the walls and how they keep it so clean. We slip our shoes back on at the front door.
‘I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then Meg? Music concert in the hall from 2p.m.?’
