Page 77 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
I look over at Danny. His mother knows Walshy? What screwed up version of weird is this? How on earth did he think calling your mother was a good idea? My mother-in-law who now thinks we abandon our kids to go dogging down country lanes. Danny looks completely vacant. Gill senses this and rolls her eyes back.
‘Gary Walsh. He was Stu’s mate for years,’ Gill informs us.
‘What? That nerdy one, with the big teeth? The one who used to wear a cape thinking he were in Pink Floyd?’ Danny is not helping our cause here.
‘The very one,’ replies Gary, still remarkably unimpressed. ‘The one who used to give you all those free pints down The Wine Bar.’
‘Yeah, you did.’ The memories seem to flood back in an instant.
‘And remember the night of that New Year’s do, when you kissed my girlfriend in full view of me.’
I turn to Danny. He needs to say sorry, all the apologies, right now. Get on your knees, man.
‘Well, mate,’ Danny replies, ‘she were a bit of a village bike back then, you know.’
‘That’s now his wife,’ Gill interjects.
Oh, my days. Who is this man sat next to me? Don’t know him at all. Danny’s eyes widen. Well done. Walshy’s face is a strange shade of strawberry.
Gill intervenes. ‘You’ll have to forgive my idiot of a son here. Gary’s wife, Natalie, is a teacher down at the comp. She attends my quilt-making classes on Wednesday evenings. They have five bloody kids together.’
Oh. You can half tell that Danny still has trouble placing this man at all. Such is the problem with someone who has no interest in building his social circle.
‘You still mates with Stu?’ Danny asks.
‘Yup, I messaged him on Facebook. He thought this was hysterical. Told me to call your ma.’
‘You pair of buggers.’
‘You’re free to go. We’ll send you details about how to get your car back. As an officer of the law, I am giving you an official caution, in front of your mother, that sex in public places can be seen to be in violation of the Public Order Act and if caught again then we’d be inclined to press charges.’
He salutes us, sneering but touché my man. He’s probably been coming up with ways to get his revenge for years and now he’s finally done it. He can sleep well tonight but I’m thinking he may have possible questions for the missus over their roast dinner this evening. Gill stands there, arms crossed, shaking her head. Danny has been muted, shamed and has a sore crotch. I don’t know where to look, not least because Gill thinks we’ve been dogging. We rise to leave.
‘Thank you, Gary. I apologise these two have wasted valuable police time. Give my regards to Nat, I’ll see her next week.’ She looks closely at his nose. ‘Best get some ice to that before it bruises.’
She turns and literally pushes us out of the door. She mumbles under her breath and we head over to her red Fiat Punto like sullen teenagers. This is a side to Gill that I’ve not seen before. She has always been bright and embracing; I thought very little could faze her but now I’m seeing a volcano bubble up to the surface. It’s a side I’m sure she often had to unleash as a mother of teenage sons, one which she hasn’t had to tap into for a long time. Until now. I’m a bit scared at how this might pan out. I’ve grown up with a mother who was a force of nature but that was who she was; she was unapologetic about her fire, every day, all day. This has all gone a bit Jekyll and Hyde. But Danny seems to know the score and guides us into the back seats. He holds my hand. Gill gets in.
‘Seat belts, please.’
She eyes us both up in the rear-view mirror. We do as we’re told.
‘Wind down your window and see how close I am to that bollard, Daniel.’
She’s using the full Daniel. I rarely hear her do this.
‘Bags of room, mum.’
I sit there in silence as he helps her negotiate out of the space. She exits the car park, edging out onto the main road, slowly picking up speed to a steady thirty miles per hour. I nudge Danny’s knee with mine.
‘I’m sorry you had to hear all of that Mum, really I am.’
She says nothing but keeps us both in her sight.
‘For the record, we weren’t dogging. It was a misunderstanding,’ he adds.
‘I’m not sure how being caught having intercourse in your car is a misunderstanding, Daniel. You know I thought I was done with this sort of bullshit now you’re a grown man. And to be honest, it’s the sort of tomfoolery I expected with Stu. Not you.’
‘You’ve been arrested before?’ I enquire. Gill still doesn’t look too impressed with me.
