Page 78 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘Teenage sons, Meg. I wouldn’t wish that misery and shame on anyone. If they weren’t nicking my cigarettes, they were pissing about in school and shagging someone’s sister and I’d have the coppers, angry fathers, exasperated teachers, the lot of them telling me about it, making me out to be the one who should have done better.’
She is a little glassy-eyed now and I feel all the empathy as a parent for her. What have we done? I didn’t want to make lovely Gill feel shitty about herself. I lean forward in my seat.
‘Gill, we really are sorry. It was a moment of madness.’
She steadies herself as she drives. ‘You’re just lucky I answered the phone and not Bob.’
‘Dad would have found this hysterical.’
Gill and I both shift Danny a look. I go as far as to slap him across the arm.
‘What is the deal with both of you? I’m not getting the whole picture. That whole thing with the ankle. My mind was racing at a million miles per hour. I thought that Danny had hurt you. Then, when I was stood on the stairs in your house I heard your sister talk about divorce and seriously, I thought I were going to fall down them stairs. It broke me.’
Danny and I look at each other. We realise that we haven’t fixed this. We had let Stu into the secret but Gill had quietly thought the worst of us. I know Danny didn’t want her to know anything about Captain Mintcake but it’s important we put her mind to rest. Deep down, she just cares and we’ve given her two months of anguish thinking something was wrong with our marriage. I feel awful.
‘I don’t know how to put this, Gill.’ Danny glares at me. ‘With the ankle thing, it was as simple as Danny and I were having sex and I fell.’
I should probably not be telling her this while she is driving and negotiating a one-way system. She doesn’t flinch.
‘Then why was Stuart so upset?’
Danny intervenes. ‘Megs made a bit of a scene in the hospital when we got there and the nurse had assumed that I’d hurt her which is untrue but it was all cleared up.’
Gill doesn’t respond. She’s having problems switching to third – that clutch needs a look at – but I can see her processing the information. I also feel like she has something to add to the conversation.
‘Then explain to me the toys.’
Please be talking about cuddly toys. It’s endemic in our house, we have far too many. Please, please, please.
‘What toys would they be, Mum?’
She adjusts herself in her seat. ‘Well, to be frank, they seem to be everywhere.’
I take a cursory glance at Danny. Yes, Danny…where are these toys?
‘I’ve been helping Stu with things like laundry. I found a dildo in the linens.’
I turn to face my husband as I see him trying to concoct excuses to both of us within the confines of this metal box. Better be good, Morton.
‘And the other day, there is no other way of saying this but I found a strap-on under the bed while I was hoovering. Stu tried to make out to me that it was his and some sort of climbing apparatus but I wasn’t born yesterday. I watched that lesbian drama on BBC One.’
My eyes have glazed over. What does she think of me if she thinks my vagina can take that dildo?
‘And…’
There’s more? That’s all the toys that I know about.
‘…I went into the mill recently. Your dad sometimes likes to have a look over the books and I bring in cake for the lads and have a catch up.’
My husband’s face turns a funny colour and he squirms in his seat. For crap’s sake, Danny, we talked about full disclosure, about no more secrets. What on earth is at the mill?
‘I found a filing cabinet full of the stuff. I’m an open-minded lady but I didn’t even know what half of it was. I had to come back and google it. I’m not even talking about a few things, I’m talking a three drawer filing cabinet filled to the brim.’
You can tell Gill is riled as she’s crept up to thirty-five miles per hour. I look over at Danny, not even angry anymore. His Love Shack stash. I’d just assumed he’d thrown everything away or returned it. He kept it? It feels like I may be drip fed this type of information forever more; a new fact per day until I’ve run out of reasons to be shocked.
‘I do not know what you two are up to but anyone could have gone in that cabinet. Someone from work: a cleaner, Olive on reception, one of the work experience lads. We have a reputation to uphold at the mill. You have a responsibility.’
Danny looks suitably put in his place but is equally quizzical. ‘Mum, that cabinet is locked with two combination padlocks and a key.’
