Page 99 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘If nationals are after this then definitely. The Captain just wants to put this out there too, so people might stop digging.’
He runs his fingers across the first paragraphs. It’s pretty easy to twig who it may be from the first few lines.
‘Geez. Really?’ There’s a look of shock but also concern.
‘Yup. Is that weird?’
‘No.’ He smiles at me. ‘When you said it, I really thought it may have been your friend, Rowan.’
‘Not surprised, given the tackle on display the other day.’ Stu laughs.
He continues to read and then rather strangely reaches over to take my hand in his.
‘You’re Mrs Mintcake?’
I look around to see if anyone may have heard this, my eye on Sarah in particular only ten tables down.
Stu smiles. ‘Mate, she’s got rank. She’s a Captain’s wife. It’s Lady Mintcake to you.’
I nod, I prefer that to Baroness.
‘Are you collaborators? Contributors?’
Stu puts his hands up. ‘We’re allies, pal. It’s all him.’
‘Now I know why you want to keep this quiet.’
‘We have daughters, he has a business. And now you know why I don’t want this scoop at all,’ I add.
He nods, letting me know he understands.
‘Can I be frank?’
‘Always…’
‘You say all him. Is that his cock in the pics?’
‘Some of them. That watercolour one you liked on my kitchen table, that’s him.’
He grabs my hand a little harder. I blush.
‘Well done, Mrs!’
Stu looks disgruntled as though it may be a competition.
‘He just didn’t look the sort…’
I laugh, a little too loudly to the confusion of a man opposite us enjoying a sausage bap.
‘Like he didn’t know what sex was?’ I ask.
Tim blushes. ‘I guess I thought you guys were a bit vanilla.’ He most likely refers to when we saw him at the McArthurs and nothing could cover up Danny and me looking like our eyeballs were going to fall out. ‘So these pics are you two?’
I shake my head and go slightly beetroot to think Tim would think some of those drawings were shenanigans that we got involved in. There’s a lot of dildo and bendiness in those pics. ‘Oh, trust me, there’s a lot of artistic license.’
Tim scans the information in front of him. ‘You know that time you almost choked on that biscuit in the office? I saw what was on your phone screen. I had an inkling something was up. I just thought it was marital problems. So this was all related to that?’
Stu looks confused. ‘You almost choked on a biscuit?’
