Page 104 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
I AM CAPTAIN MINTCAKE
I smile. The story went to print last week. Did it cause a sensation? It’s left people guessing and, as predicted, for Tim it was a huge scoop that attracted the attention of a few nationals and magazines. People have found out that the Captain is a middle-class white man from Kendal who likes walks in the hills, a good cup of tea and is happily married. That’s about fifty per cent of the population here. It was quite a dull article to be honest. I think people had hoped it was someone far more sensational: the vicar, the Tory MP, the little old lady who runs the post office.
I turn to read the headline of another article, written by some bird called Meg Morton. The juxtaposition next to the Captain Mintcake story was a bit dodgy but it’s a sensitive opinion piece about sex education at schools. It was well-received by the masses, a few got the hump and wrote angry letters, but it also got a gold star from one Mike McArthur. Look at both us Mortons on the front of the Wezzie. It feels like an achievement were it not for this issue being used to hide some donkey crap.
The Ferney Green Primary School Christmas Bazaar is a very simple affair and having compared notes with Emma, there seems to be a stark difference in what her girls’ private school offers. Down South, it’s a hog roast, a paid actor as Santa, a raffle funded by Fortnum & Mason and a Christmas tree flown in from Norway. Here we have someone’s granddad in a red suit that I hope has been fire-tested. There are burnt burgers and Styrofoam cups of mulled wine being served out of a slow cooker and the world’s biggest tombola where I am destined to win back the bottle of Advocaat that I donated.
Eve comes running up to me with a bag of candy floss, a stuffed bear with a Christmas hat and a giant glitter tattoo of a horse on her forearm. ‘This is amazing! Can I have another five pounds?’
‘Errrrm, no. Where is Uncle Stu? He’s supposed to be looking after you?’
‘Jenna’s mummy asked him to go on the coconut shy for a bit so he’s doing that. Is that donkey doing a wee? Is that his willy?’
I look over and it’s like a hose on the loose. A woman next to me has her phone out. Why would you want that video on your camera roll? Well, I can’t judge really, can I?
‘Piss,’ says Polly. That’ll be her uncle’s influence there.
‘Wowzers, look at the wang on him…’ says a voice from behind me. Thank hell for that. An additional source of funds is here. He puts a hand to my back and delves into his pocket.
‘Here’s two pound for now,’ says Danny. ‘Where’s Tess?’
Eve’s not bothered, fleecing her father for the cash and running off.
‘No doubt she’s also pissing away more of our cash winning Christmas tat.’
Or maybe Polly’s lexicon has been influenced more by her father. She holds her hands out for a cuddle and Danny being Danny grabs her tight and pretends to eat her cheeks. He spies the pile of donkey crap and the Mintcake headline.
‘Is that…?’
‘Yup.’
‘I thought that smell were Polly.’ I love how he thinks our daughter could produce a smell on that level and is unbothered by the newspaper in full view.
‘How long do we have to stay?’ he asks.
‘Until they light up the tree and Tess has done her bit with the choir.’
‘Kill me now.’
‘Don’t tempt me.’
‘Why is it a bazaar and not a fair or fete?’ Danny asks.
‘I know the answer to this: it’s because they asked all the farm shop people to come along and sell jams and things made out of hessian. Rufus is in the school cafeteria selling cheese and there are no rides either so that doesn’t make it a fair.’
‘You can ride the donkey…’
‘Oi oi…I don’t think he’s for riding. You can pet the donkey.’
‘He’d like that…’
We both giggle. We’ve always had our repartee. It’s part of what made us work but I wonder now if we will spend an eternity talking in innuendo.
‘Would you like to pet my donkey?’ he replies jokingly.
I laugh but I’m aware that he’s referred to his penis as a donkey and given the size of what’s before us, he’s a little short by about a foot.
‘You got off lightly. You just need to stand around and buy stuff. Stu’s on the coconut shy.’
