Page 110 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
I stop hearing McArthur. Stu laughs. Ru looks mortified. It’s a wonder the girls hadn’t asked this before, given the time we’ve spent on the subject matter at home. Danny bends down to her level.
‘Where’d you hear that from Buttons?’
‘Uncle Stuart was talking about him. And someone was talking about it in the gym.’ Danny tucks bits of errant fringe back into her hat, looking a little disturbed to see the words come out of her innocent mouth. ‘Is he a bad person?’
‘He can’t be…he’s a Captain,’ says Danny. ‘Like Captain America.’
‘So he’s saving the world?’
‘One dong at a time,’ whispers Stu out of the corner of his mouth. I have the urge to throw some wine at him. He bends down. ‘He’s a hero, a local legend, Steve.’
Eve punches him. ‘My name is EVE! I still don’t get it. Who is he? Is it Mr McArthur? Is it something you can dress up as? Maybe you could be Captain Mintcake? You like mint cake?’
‘I do like mint cake. But I don’t think I can be the Captain, Buttons. I’m not a hero,’ replies Danny.
‘Yes, you are.’
He smiles and my heart goes aflutter. He knows that to this little girl he’ll always be a hero. I mean, half an hour ago he was breaking up actual fights.
‘You told me something about mint cake once,’ explains Eve.
‘I did?’ He can barely remember my name most days so I am sure it’s not something he registered at the time.
‘I was born in the North, in the Lakes. You told me I had mint cake and spring water in my veins like you.’
Stu chuckles. We all look down at the five-year-old in all her infinite wisdom.
‘So, that means there is mint cake in all of us, except you. You Southern Jessie.’ She points at me. Danny and Stu guffaw loudly. I’ll have you know I’ve had a great deal of mint cake in me recently but even I’m not too drunk to say that out loud.
‘So you are Captain Mintcake…we are all Captain Mintcake…’
The four adults stand over this child, who is high off squash and penny sweets, and pause for a moment.
Danny puts a hand to his chest. ‘You are right. I AM CAPTAIN MINTCAKE!’
He picks up his daughter and swoops her around the playground. I hear a peal of laughter from her that will never grow old. Stu and Rufus inhale breath sharply. Naturally, he’s a little drunk and he’s said this within earshot to just a few, so it means nothing but in truth, it’s probably the first time he’s admitted it out loud and the words ring with some relief, some ownership.
The choir is lined up but no one can get the PA system to work. A few impatient parents who may also be drunk from the slow cooker wine start to cheer and chant. Everything starts to work again and we all wince from the feedback in the ancient speakers and wait for a bit of ‘Hark! The Herald’. Ru waves at Sage in the front row. Stu cheers loudly for his niece. But wait. This music teacher has different ideas and the chords for ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ start beating out the speakers. You beauty. Danny, Rufus and Stu start moving their shoulders and dancing on the spot. Finest dad dancing I’ve ever seen. I go over and take Stu’s hands and he spins me under his arms.
Eve intervenes. ‘Why are you all doing that? Please stop…’
We don’t. With a mixture of alcohol, joy and Christmas in our veins, we roll out our best exaggerated dance moves. I’d like to say we start a wave of dancing throughout the school. But no. I may be drunk but I think a donkey from across the way voices his approval too. The real donkey.
Oh, Stu. I can’t believe he’s leaving us. I look over at Danny. Wow. His eyes are fully closed. Like he’s so drunk that he’s passed out already but his body has not got the message. Those are some moves and ones I’ve not seen in public since when we first dated. Tess can see us from beyond the way and I throw a double thumbs up at her. Oh dear, she’s not happy. I stumble a little. Fuck a bloody duck, something was in that slow cooker wine. It’s a conspiracy. I put an arm around Stu to steady myself.
‘You are such a lightweight, Smeggsy.’
‘You are such a twat. I do love you though, you know that, right?’
He leans over. ‘I know and I love you both too. That present. I sorted it. All those letters you gave me, I sorted it.’
I stop in my tracks. ‘You did what?’
But before he can reply, he heads over to his brother and Rufus, and they start doing a strange jumping dance that has roots from an unfortunate teenage grounding in acid house. A swirling mix of drunken emotion swells in me. Is that emotion? What has Stu done? Because that isn’t emotion either and I sprint to the nearest hedgerow and projectile the contents of my stomach all over it.
Nineteen
‘I’m not getting that blow job, am I?’ whispers Danny.
