Page 114 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
He pauses. ‘You know if this works out, I can get one of them big barbecues like at school but with the two tiers and the good tongs with the wooden handles.’
I marvel that after everything this could bring, this is his end goal. He sips his tea and I can see the cogs whirring, slowly but surely. The Captain is on standby, ready to launch. While I’m behind the curtain, fiddling with his cape so he can fly straight, keeping him in tea. Does that make Stu… Robin?
‘It’ll be grand,’ I whisper.
‘You’re using Northern. I knew I’d break you eventually.’
‘Fark off.’
He lies there taking it all in, paper scattered all over the bed, his body fizzing with a newfound energy.
‘I won’t sleep now.’
‘I know.’
‘A jump would have helped.’
‘After what I’ve just heard in that bathroom? Jog on, not going near it.’
He laughs. I see his eyes scan my face for answers, about how this is going to work. I have nothing. But I am here. We’ll do this together. Except the sex, mainly because I can’t feel my face at this precise moment.
‘Danny?’
‘Meg?’
‘I know you’re excited but sleep now, those girls will be up at daybreak and I may need to barf again in a bit.’
He shows very little concern but the way he rubs his belly makes me think we’ll be racing for the porcelain all evening.
‘Instead of sex, we could finish off a box set?’ I suggest.
‘You’re full of good ideas, eh?’
‘It’s why you married me.’
He doesn’t disagree. There’s a look between us. I call this look love because sometimes there are no other words to describe why two people end up together and why they stay that way. I grab my phone from the bedside table and he curls the duvet around his legs. He farts again but doesn’t excuse himself. I’m far too tired to call him out on it.
‘Did you put dog out?’
‘Yep.’
‘Well, whack something on Mrs. Nowt too romantic and none of that superhero shite.’
I smile.
‘Aye aye, Captain.’
Epilogue
‘He was the bestest dog in the world. He was warm and we used to watch the television together and when I gave him his toast, his willy used to come out because he was excited.’
Danny and I look at each other across this rather windy hilltop. Sometimes all that is really needed is a reminder from a dog that in life, we just need to relish the simple pleasures: walks, sunshine, the ends of someone’s soggy toast. The girls giggle at each other. I wonder if Danny could ever get hard from toast. A decent cup of tea maybe.
It’s a sombre day in the Lakes – there are glimmers of sunshine but today we are saying goodbye to the marvellous Mr T who finally succumbed to old age and poor health. It was a few days after Easter. It started with him not eating – we thought the girls had been feeding him mini eggs – but he was lethargic and had a look about him like he was resigned to the fact that his body was no longer working as it should. A visit to the vet confirmed this. The moment when we had to invite that vet into our home and give Mr T some medicine to put him to sleep was one of the saddest of my life. To see his spirit ebb away like that so slowly. But also to see him curled up in Danny’s lap as Danny held him tight and whispered quiet words into his ear.
‘Mummy, it’s your turn.’
‘Mr T, you were part of my family. I know you liked Danny more because he brought you up steeper hills and would give you offcuts from the roast but you were my first dog and you always remember your first of anything. I hope you are very happy in doggy heaven.’
