Page 116 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘We might have to.’
‘Only if we can call it Murdock.’
‘Mad Dog Murdock Morton. The alliteration is winning.’
We hear the squeals of girls in the distance. Danny sways slightly to keep Polly asleep.
‘Do you remember when we first dated? You brought me up here.’
‘The least prepared mountaineer in history. You were wearing bootcut jeans and Adidas.’
‘Well remembered.’
‘I remember everything.’
‘You don’t even remember what we had for dinner last night.’
‘When it comes to you, I remember everything. You were also wearing a vest with a rainbow on it and I could see your boobs through it.’
‘Back when I didn’t have to wear a bra.’
It’d been that first trip to the Lakes when I met his folks, saw the Mill; when I discovered a place that Danny loved so much, perhaps even more so than he loved me. He had described it as a light stroll. The most I’d ever walked uphill at that point was on the stairs at the Tube station when the escalators were out of order.
‘It was just a small hill, you told me.’
‘It is.’
‘To the uninitiated, it’s Everest. I got overtaken by grannies with walking poles and fleece headbands.’
‘While I laughed.’
I shake my head at him. ‘You’re lucky the view was decent.’
‘I’d say.’
We grin at each other knowing that much more happened when we got to the top of the meadow too. That was some decent sex, back in the day when sex was the priority. But the priorities change, I guess. Nowadays, I would worry about getting ticks on my unmentionables.
I stare over at my husband taking in the view and sipping tea noisily. He always pauses for a moment on any walk to drink it all in. He rustles in his bag and gets a packet out, opening the packaging awkwardly and offering me a bit. I raise my eyebrows at him. Mint Cake.
‘You could have at least got the stuff covered in chocolate.’
‘That’s full luxury. I can’t handle that sort of extravagance just yet.’
I put a piece in my mouth. Minty. I don’t think it’s given me much in the way of energy, but I’m suddenly ready for a full-on snog. I imagine it’d make a blowjob quite interesting too.
The one thing you forget about taking kids up mountains (small hills) is that for all that experience of green space and fresh air, eventually you will have to bring them down. Despite having three slabs of mint cake, we failed to remember to pack enough snacks and a fine drizzle is now scratching at our faces. It takes Eve much persuading to keep walking and by the time we return to the car, the sun is dipping behind the clouds and the twilight sits in the air. I haven’t got anything in for dinner. We may have to swing by a supermarket. I also need to wee. Danny decided it was fine to park in a deserted car park in the middle of nowhere to escape the throngs of regular walkers and tourists but strangely enough, when we get back there, we are one of six parked up.
‘Eve. Literally, just to the car. Like twenty more steps.’
‘You lied! You said that twenty steps ago.’
‘I have Haribo in the car.’
She progresses to a light canter.
‘Where did all these cars come from?’ Danny asks as he approaches our motor cautiously.
‘Maybe you’re not the only smart one in Kendal and people are following your lead.’
