Page 30 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘Because we were having sex and it turns out he can’t stand up and support the weight of big old heifer me.’
‘Right, which is why he had all the sex toys?’
‘No.’
We are interrupted. The door opens and an Asian gentleman walks in carrying a tray of tea. I try to work out whether I am on the good drugs, whether he’s a very kindly intruder, or this is Jag with all the Maoams. I give him the once over and am immediately taken with the trendy Vans trainers and Oxford shirt with the sleeves rolled up.
‘Oh, this is Jag,’ Emma casually drops in.
‘A pleasure to meet you.’
I suddenly remember I am wearing very little so creep the duvet up my legs.
‘Hello? My daughter mentioned you…’
He smiles. He has the most amazing skin and smile; the sort of wide smile that’s toothy and joyous and leads you to imbue trust very quickly. He also delivers tea which helps.
‘Jag and I were having a drink when we got a call saying you’d fallen and yes, we are both here now.’
I smile broadly. It explains why she’s in a dress. She never wears dresses.
‘You drive a Kia.’
‘I do?’ he replies confused. I feign an expression like I just guessed that out of thin air. He glances over at my leg. ‘Your leg is still attached then?’
‘Just about… are you staying? You should stay. The Lakes are lovely. Go for a walk or grab some lunch on Windermere Lake or something?’
‘It’s a lovely offer but I have a scheduled surgery at 7a.m. tomorrow so I was going to take a slow drive back via Wolverhampton, my sister lives there.’
There is a moment between him and Emma where if I was able, I’d leave the room. He smiles broadly and my liking for him increases again.
‘At least stay here for a nap before you set off?’
‘I’m filled to the brim with services coffee. I’ll be fine but it was lovely to meet you and I’m glad it’s nothing serious.’ He does a thumbs up and glances over at Emma before leaving the room. I glare at my sister.
‘Follow him,’ I whisper, angered by her hesitancy.
‘But I was going to stay, I have some days off…’
‘I mean, to the door. He just drove six hours through the night to get you here. Go to him…’ I shoo her away like a pigeon.
‘Ungrateful cow,’ she says.
‘You love me really.’
I’m interrupted by my phone ringing and I take a deep breath. ‘Mum.’ Emma widens her eyes at me and tries to contain her laughter. I have to take this, don’t I?
‘Meg. Is Emma there? Did she make it up safely?’
I smile to myself. Emma is my mother’s chosen one: the doctor, the one who veered down the golden path. I veered up North, away from her, so she’s always held some resentment over that – especially as I took her grandbabies away from her. I’m fine, Mum. Thanks for asking.
‘Emma is here. She is safe. She got a lift up here from a friend…’ Emma shakes her head at me. Don’t you dare tell our mother. ‘A male friend, someone she works with?’
Emma snarls. All at once, we’re fifteen again and she’s telling on me for having been hanging outside the chicken shop with the boys from school.
‘Who? Is he handsome?’ Mum enquires.
‘I only met him briefly. He drives a Kia. Would you like to hear about my leg now?’
