Page 5 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘Glass? It’s fine. We’ll have time before the school run.’
He thrusts more rhythmically as he pushes me deeper into the mattress, the effort seeing him release small, quiet gasps of air. Then a light comes on in the landing. Crap. He halts and collapses into me like we’re frozen in a very close embrace. Small footsteps head down the stairs.
‘You better hurry,they’ll all be up soon.’
The rhythm picks up. You can see in his face that the thrusting may also be causing some over-exertion. Small beads of sweat form on his brow, his nostrils flare. A baby in the room next door whimpers.
‘Danny, just come already…’
‘I’m close… I can’t do it on demand, woman…’
I grind my hips knowing it’ll get him off. He freezes again at hearing a second set of footsteps, a toilet flushing. The baby is still whimpering.
‘Yep, keep doing that. Just like that…’
‘Keep your voice down—’
‘IS SOMEONE COMING TO MAKE BREAKFAST?’
‘YES! I’M COMING!’ I shout over his shoulder. Not really, not even close.
The baby is starting to gather volume. I lift my knees a little higher, starting to feel a little unimpressed I’ve been made to indulge in such athleticism on a Monday morning. And then a noise, his body tenses, legs straighten and his eyes roll back in their sockets. He collapses onto me. I grip on to his shoulders.
‘That’s the ticket.’ He kisses me on the ear then rolls off me.
‘I’M HUNGRY! AND TESS WON’T GIVE ME THE REMOTE CONTROL!’
‘WE’RE COMING! STOP SHOUTING!’ I call back.
We lie next to each other for a moment and I watch him ping off his condom.
‘Pass us a nappy sack.’
I grab one from my bedside table and watch him wrap up the offending item.
‘You want me to finger you?’
I study the small cracks on our ceiling. I’m not sure if I have the time, need or concentration to summon up an orgasm amidst warring siblings and the fact my downstairs region is still on snooze.
‘It’ll keep—’
I retrieve my knickers and rise to tend to the baby next door. As I leave, I see Danny lying there, a semi slumped over his groin like an earthworm that’s just broken through ground. His legs apart, his chest hair matted and glistening with sweat, seemingly unaffected by the fact the house is bloody Baltic. If he falls asleep, I will literally body slam him.
‘I SAID, IS SOMEONE COMING TO MAKE MY BREAKFAST?’ thunders up the stairs. It’s Eve, daughter number two who likes to be fed on time.
‘Danny…’
‘You’ve just taken me life force, give me a moment.’
‘You want Cheerios and tantrums or croup and a full nappy?’
‘Littl’un still have croup?’
‘She does.’ I know because I was up half the night with her. ‘Now get up before I grab you by the bollocks – and there’s leftover Vicks on these fingers.’
‘Kinky.’
He thinks I joke. Next door, the baby is not happy. I open her bedroom door and she stares at me stroppily from the corner of her cot. Her hair whipped to a frizz atop her head, her cheeks scarlet. She barks at me like a seal. I pick up her warm, sleepy body and cradle it close to mine as I bring her back into our room. Danny pulls the covers over his naked body.
