Page 45 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘What’s with all the letters? Is that a medical qualification?’
‘Golden showers, bondage, big beautiful women.’ The words roll off his tongue. I look at him, curiously. ‘I’ve taught myself some of this terminology given my new line of pastime.’
‘Queening?’
‘He wants you to sit on his face. He is the throne.’
‘Would I have to wear a crown?’
‘That would be optional. Or we could pick you up one from Burger King.’
I giggle.
Single looking for couples fun luv going down on a dirty bird filming role play
‘Where’s the punctuation in that sentence?’
Danny looks over at me confused. Apparently, that’s all I got out of that sentence.
‘No beating around the bush with this lot. It’s all about the sex,’ says Danny. ‘It’s certainly an education.’
I don’t know what to think. It seems like Danny wasn’t using these sites to get himself aroused and I certainly don’t feel anything seeing all these overtly sexual images but it makes me wonder how much my sexual spark has diminished. Given that half of these people want to communicate via Snapchat also makes me feel incredibly old.
I open one of the profiles. Oh my giddy aunt, that’s a real life penis. It’s of reasonable size. I’m not sure where his pubes are though. This gentleman is not just content with the one though; he displays a half-dozen pictures at different stages of erectness.
‘Jesus, you put all these pictures together, it’s like he’s showing us the different phases of the moon.’
Danny is creased up with laughter. ‘Total eclipse.’
In fact all the pictures here may be explicit but also speak of extreme confidence. I’m almost jealous that these people know exactly what they want sexually. I don’t even know what I want for dinner most days.
‘I don’t think I could ever do this…’ I mutter.
‘Do what?’
‘Take pictures of my bits? Stand there in our bathroom mirror and take a picture of my arse?’
‘Why not?’ Danny asks, confused.
‘Well, my angles would be all out and you’re going to need some epic filters to make my bits look picture-worthy?’
Danny looks a bit sad for me.
‘Nonsense. I’ll show you. Get your tits out.’
I give Danny a look that registers both horror andnever. He smiles.
‘You have a great rack.’
I like the compliment but even I know that motherhood has ravaged my boobs a little. There are hints of stretch marks and flappiness and they most certainly need a bra during the day to give them a bit of a boost. Danny doesn’t seem to get the message. He leans over and puts his hands to my sides and takes off my T-shirt, tracing a finger down my side. I wasn’t wearing a bra in bed anyway but now I sit there topless, and frankly, a little cold. My nipples say that much. Danny flicks one playfully.
‘Oi!’
‘Lie down for me.’
I giggle nervously.
He’s smiling and puts my arms down by my sides so it props my boobs up from the side, meaning they don’t spill into my armpits. He stands over me in the bed and takes a picture.
