Page 52 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘Eve, please put some clothes on and find a comb? Where’s Tess?’
I throw the box on to our bed next door and enter the bedroom where little piles of school uniform sit like molehills. I pick up cardigans and tangled tights and discover Tess in a corner, reading quietly, Magnum the cat in her lap. They both don’t look overly excited to see me but both seem to nod in unison to acknowledge my presence.
‘How was everything today, Tessie? Did Uncle Stu pull it off?’
She closes her book thoughtfully. Her hair is combed and parted and she’s wearing matching pyjamas. Eve still skips around the house singing to herself. It sounds suspiciously like Rihanna.
‘He’s very flirty at the school gate. He seems to know everyone and he was chatting to Liam’s mum and kept touching her arm.’
I applaud the judgement in her tone but then it is Stu so I am hardly surprised. She’s on a roll as she continues to report the day to me.
‘And Polly was very noisy at swimming and I think Uncle Stu may have given her half a pack of Rich Tea biscuits to make her quiet but then the lifeguard told him off for having food poolside and then I’m not sure but I think Uncle Stu called him a bad word.’
I close my eyes. I’m sure the Little Fins classes have never seen such action.
‘Does that mean we might not be able to swim there anymore?’ she asks.
‘I’m sure it will be fine. Thank you for getting yourself sorted honey. We can read later if you want?’
She nods. ‘Oh, and Uncle Stu had a fight with George and Maisy’s mum at the gate.’
‘Sarah? How on earth?’ I enquire.
‘Zach was throwing mud at Eve and so Stu told him to F-word off.’
‘Really?’ I say, aggrieved at the further drama but relieved that she knows how to self-censor.
‘She told him to mind his language and he told her to do her job and mind her kids.’
Oh, Stuart. I applaud the bravery though.
‘He also gave Eve Haribo after swimming. I told him not to.’
I freeze for a moment. I am not averse to sweets but there’s something in the magic formula of Haribo that turns Eve into a strange sort of growling creature. I’d imagine crack would have the same effect. I look over at her as she sways on the spot and I see that bewitched glazed look in her eyes.
‘Eve, for the love of my sanity. Put a nightie on or something.’ I grab a comb and start trying to neaten her hair. Her body fizzes with energy. I wonder whether I should just let her loose in the garden with a ball.
‘Who is Tim in the kitchen? Did he bring anything for us?’ asks Eve.
‘No…and you need to stop doing that. Every time someone walks through our door, you expect them to be clutching presents for you. It’s very presumptuous.’
‘I don’t know what that means…’ she replies.
‘It means you’re an idiot,’ adds Tess.
Eve launches herself at her. I hold her off like a cub on the attack.
‘What’s going on here then?’ Danny says.
He stands there nibbling on a slice of pizza that I told Tim not to eat. I glare at him, a little murderous.
‘What are you eating?’
‘Waste not, want not.’
‘A little help here? Stu gave her Haribo.’
He rolls his eyes back, stuffing what’s left of the pizza in his mouth. ‘C’mon hyper Buttons, let’s go brush them teeth.’ He carries her away kicking and screaming while I hurriedly kiss Tess and scowl at her simultaneously. I go to follow them. In the bathroom, Stu fishes Polly out of the bath.
