Page 67 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘No one’s hitting anyone. It’s really dangerous to say those things out loud too.’
She’s affronted by my judgement.
‘Danny and I are fine. Thanks for your concern but don’t put two and two together and get five. It’s nothing, really.’
I feel the need to unleash a few home truths now. Look closer to home, focus on your relationship, don’t judge others? Now I know why Rowan rarely comes to these parties. She has issues with all the plastic anyway but it’s the way people talk about other people’s private lives like they’re some sort of conversational currency. I imagine what would happen if Sarah actually found out about Mintcake.
‘Are you Eve’s mother?’ a voice pipes up behind me just in the nick of time before I unleash some home truths on Sarah.
I turn around to see Ros, a meek mouse of a mum who toes the sensible line in woolly hats and wellies. I smile. ‘Yes, I am.’
‘Did you give my Lola squash?’
‘I did…’ I say hesitantly.
‘It’s just she reacts badly to the sweeteners in squash. We always give her water. Next time, you should really ask.’
Little Lola curls herself around her mother’s legs, smiling. I’m confused. She looks fine. It’s obviously not an anaphylaxis situation and it was as good as water anyway with the minimal amounts of squash inside. I just smile and nod as she goes off to reprimand her daughter and tell the other mothers present. This is starting to rate as one of my worst party experiences ever – and I’ve been to one where there was a twenty-year-old kid dressed up as a poor man’s Obi-Wan Kenobi who called a kid a prick when he stabbed him in the balls with a toy lightsaber and a dad lamped him. My phone pings in my pocket. I don’t look at it fearing it may be Danny being inappropriate again. A voice booms over a loudspeaker.
‘Calling all Cheeky Monkeys! If you are here for Timmy, Poppy and Emily’s birthday party then please can you come to the Jungle Party Room located by the toilets!’
There’s a brief pause and crackle.
‘Oh sorry, Jimmy and Emillia’s party. Please don’t forget your shoes!’
I look over at the entrance area where there seem to be five hundred pairs of children’s shoes that are supposed to be in pigeonholes but are lain there like some TK Maxx jumble sale nightmare. I scramble to retrieve what look like Eve’s hand-me-downs and watch as thirty odd children cram themselves around tables and really tiny plastic chairs. One child circles the party crying because she can’t sit next to her friend, one picks his nose, two others scream at each other like harpies, one squeezes ketchup straight into his mouth from the bottle. Children are given platefuls of beige food and you’d think that’s where it’d all go quiet but no. They throw chips around. They spill juice. There is one child who I swear should not be given the privilege of cutlery. This is the image they should use on contraception packaging.
‘Meg? Hi!’ I turn next to me. Tits. What was that about the worst party experience ever?
‘Briony? How are you?’
‘Just checking in to see if you’re alright. Heard you were in hospital?’
‘Oh, it was nothing. Just fell on my ankle, but it’s good as new…’
‘Thought as much. Saw you up and about on it…but saw Stuart as well at the school gate. He’s looking well.’
She scans me up and down like she always does. I think about how tight you can make jeans before they’re an actual part of your skin. She really has gone for bringing the glamour to the jungle. Who wears heels to soft play?
‘You free to talk?’
I wouldn’t say free, more trapped in this corner as there’s a small group of grandparents with cameras blocking the entrance. I nod.
‘I just wanted to give you some advice.’
I pause for a moment. ‘Danny will always be important to me because of who he was. I know you know, no point hiding it.’
Crap, is she going to tell me she’s in love with my husband in the jungle party room of Cheeky Monkeys Play Pit? I’m not doing this here with two kids sat below us shovelling crappy cheese and tomato pizzas down their gullets.
‘So when I hear tattle at the gate about him, it does me nut in. He’s one of the good ’uns and I like you. I know we don’t know each other well but it’s nice to see Danny settled and with a family.’
I pause to hear her talk so fondly of him.
‘So my advice…is when certain people are spreading rumours about you, ignore them. It’s what I’ve been doing for years.’ She glares over at Sarah, taking selfies with some of the mums in the corner of the room with the painted murals of zebras in party hats.
‘What has she been saying?’
‘That you and Danny had a fight and you fell down the stairs. The implication being that he pushed you. He’d never do that. I were fricking furious when I heard.’
