Page 69 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘I can be… Is everything OK? Is it the girls?’
‘Oh, no no no no.’ There is an echo in his call which I attribute to my rubbish reception. I’m not sure where he would have got my number otherwise but I like my tone here. I am official and parently. I’m sure that it is down to something as simple as the girls’ uniform not being labelled. I write it in biro. I know it washes off.
‘I mean it would be really helpful if you were free…to come around…’
‘Oh, to your house?’
‘Yes.’
For what, a cup of tea and a chat? This must be serious. I can’t let them see Eve all hyper and manic like this though. I don’t know what to say. He’s the headteacher so I need to reply. Balls.
‘Well, I have Eve with me so I’ll need to drop her home. Is everything alright, Mr McArthur? Should I be concerned?’
‘Oh, everything is fine! Please call me, Mike. I’ll text you my address.’
That suddenly went very casual. What on earth is going on? ‘Alright… See you soon, Mike.’
He hangs up.
That wasn’t weird.
‘Then we could have a cake in the shape of a giant shiny ball?’
‘Say what?’
‘Those shiny balls that people dance around?’
‘I need to ring your father…’
‘Big shiny disco balls…shiny big balls…’
She stands there, high on sugar, singing a self-penned tune about shiny, disco balls. Giant ones at that. A parent walks past and tuts. Something is most definitely up. Danny, answer your sodding phone.
Thirteen
The McArthurs have shutters. I don’t really do interior design or covet many things but I like shutters. I like that kids can spill things on them and you can wipe them down with a damp cloth. There are clipped bay trees outside the front of the house making it look both stately and modern.
‘What’s that tree that people plant outside their houses to show they’re swingers?’
Danny laughs at me. ‘It’s not bay trees, it’s pampas grass, you nutter.’
I scan the garden. ‘Is that it?’
Danny gives me that look, the one where he questions the extent to which I’ve been appropriately educated. ‘It’s a bush. And not that sort of bush either.’
I wasn’t going to come alone so I’d rushed back to ours, deposited a hyper Eve with Stu and told Danny to put on a decent shirt to make him look like a proper dad. We’d been summoned and I wasn’t quite sure why.
‘Didn’t Stu shag McArthur’s wife? Maybe this is about that? Maybe he’s being banned from the school run…can they do that?’
‘Doubt it. They went out for like a month at school,’ Danny informs me, staring up their drive.
‘Then maybe it’s just for a chat, a cuppa? He sounded weird though.’
Danny doesn’t look impressed. He’s not a social butterfly. Chances are I’ll natter on and he’ll just sit there grinning like a ventriloquist’s dummy. But at least there might be tea and I don’t doubt they’ll be the sort of people to have decent biscuits too.
‘So, Mike and Joanne – is it a Ru and Ro scenario? Childhood sweethearts?’
‘Well, she had a thing with Stu but I think McArthur were sixth form and they’ve been together ever since. They stayed local, don’t think either of them went more south than the M60 for university. At least Ru and Ro spread their wings a bit.’
