Page 73 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
I nod. Christ, will you be there shaking a maraca? I may not be able to keep a straight face. He leans in to give me a peck on the cheek.
‘Well, take care…’
We head down the gravel and Danny faces away from the house, trying not to make a noise. Hold it in, Morton. I turn and wave again.
‘Don’t you dare, you bugger,’ I murmur under my breath. Our pace picks up and McArthur waves to us as we reverse out of the drive. ‘Wave, wave, wave,’ I say urging Danny to retain some form of normality. He does so limply, making out that concentrating on reversing is taking up more energy than is actually needed. The car finally out of view, we sit there grinning at each other. We can’t speak for exactly thirty seconds as the information washes over us.
‘And you thought it were about an unnamed school coat…’ Danny mutters.
‘What just happened there?’
‘I’m not quite sure.’
We both stare into space. Danny continues along Serpentine Road winding down from their house.
‘I think I may have broken their fence as I tried to get over it too. Do I tell them?’
‘I’ll get billed for it with the school dinners.’
‘I didn’t know where to look, feel a bit boss-eyed now. And was it me but that house was very white, eh?’
‘And clean. All wipe down surfaces too.’ Danny starts tearing up with the laughter. He pulls into a passing space on the lane to steady himself.
‘Did that seriously just happen?’ I ask him.
‘I went bivouacking with him once…did I tell you about that?’
I pause for a moment and raise an eyebrow. ‘You did thewhat?’
Danny forgets that London is in my bones. Scrambling is something I do to eggs, fell is the past tense of fall. I have most never certainly whacked a beaver.
‘It’s wild camping. Anyway, one night we’re all out, it’s a cold night. And there’s McArthur, getting up close as we all passed out beside the fire. Told me it was all an exercise in body heat exchange but now, hindsight and today tells me it may have been something else.’ He looks out the window looking a little perturbed.
‘Did you…?’ I am a little disturbed that Danny is choosing to tell me about this key sexual moment right here, right now.
‘Fook no, it was awkward but I haven’t had relations with the kids’ headteacher.’
I am relieved, and surprised that he hadn’t thought that was a clear sign that maybe he swung both ways.
‘I don’t know what to do with today’s information…’ I tell Danny.
‘We keep it to ourselves. They entrusted us with it. It’s like their Mintcake really.’
I let the realisation sink in that they must have really trusted us, and that feels good. We did something good. But I’m still struggling to process my day having gone in extremes from soft play to orgies.
Danny looks pensive. ‘I’m so glad I moved out of this town for a while.’ He’s stopped the car in a perfect place on the road where the glowing lights of Kendal shine up from the valley. ‘Can you imagine if I’d stayed?’
‘You’d be running a paper mill with Briony Tipperton as your wife.’
‘Swinging with the McArthurs every other fortnight…’
‘I saw Tipperton at that party earlier.’
‘Did you scrap?’
‘No, it was surprisingly civil. She also divulged that you were decent. You had moves apparently.’
Danny laughs, shocked. ‘It were known. You scored yourself the town hottie, you did. All the lasses wanted a slice of Morton.’
