Page 76 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘What about our car?’
To be honest, our rusting Volvo is the last thing on my mind but well done to my husband for thinking practically.
‘That will be towed away, Mr Morton.’
Danny throws his hands up to the air. It feels like unnecessary punishment for the crime and a fine that we’ll have to cough up but I don’t question it. It’s the law, we did something wrong. Danny is gearing up for a fight though, his jaw is rigid, his nostrils flared. Please Danny, for all the times I’ve wished and hoped for you to show grander parades of emotion, this isn’t one of those times.
‘Maybe I should request they put those cuffs back on…’ I say under my breath.
‘You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Kinky lass,’ he whispers back.
‘You can talk, sex sketcher.’
We talk in whispering insults so much so that Walshy – he’s seen it all, he may as well have a nickname – leans forward trying to get an ear in. This is how Danny and I fight, it’s a battle of insults. We could go on like this for hours until someone admits that they have no words left and waves the white flag. As we wage our war, the station doors open and a police officer pushes in a gentleman who’s obviously had a bit too much to drink.
‘This is called police brutality. This is what happens in America and people die. You two got camera phones? I want evidence of this to give my kids at the tribunal asking why I died in police custody.’
Danny and I sit there in stunned silence. The gentleman walks like he has no ankles and his body is anchored into the ground at forty-five degrees. We don’t reach for our phones but Danny alerts me to the fact that maybe we should try and text Stu to tell him we might be later than anticipated or at least try and hitch a ride off someone who could come here and transport us without question or judgement.
‘Lee was caught pissing off the roof of the pub again. He stood there with his privates exposed in front of a crowd of pubgoers gathered for a wake singing thatMonty Pythonsong.’ Constable Walsh and colleague are completely deadpan while Danny and I muster everything inside us to stifle the laughter. Unfortunately, this goads Lee on knowing he has an audience.
‘They were too touchy. It’s not like I was pissing on his corpse. And that woman who said I was wanking, I was just shaking off the snake.’ Lee looks on as Walshy takes notes. ‘Who took a swipe at you then?’
‘None of your business.’
‘Was it Rocky over here? Nice one pal!’
The other policeman looks over, not too impressed.
‘Let’s just say you’re not the only case of indecent exposure we’ve had in today.’
Danny and I feign shock.
‘Oi, oi! You and your lady friend doing a bit of al fresco. No shame in that.’ He comes over to high five Danny but is hoisted back by his police escort.
‘It wasn’t indecent. We’re married.’
I elbow Danny sharply in the ribs.
‘Spicing it up so it don’t go stale. Good on yer. You wouldn’t be the first to have a bit of Lakeland outdoor fun.’
I lied before,thisis when the ground needs to swallow me up. The police officers stand there and don’t give anything away. They just glance over at us like we’re reprobates, lowlifes, scum. You judgemental pricks. Walshy, you might like to do it blindfolded and dressed like a clown. Whatever floats your boat. We just found out the headteacher and his wife are in an open marriage, and that they’re shagging my colleague.
‘We were in a car,’ Danny says, completely deadpan.
‘Dogging?’
And at this precise moment, the police station door swings open and there stands the last person we need to be stood there.
‘Mum?’ exclaims Danny.
Balls. Gill glares over at Danny and myself. She looks no different to usual with the quilted jacket, floral scarf and sensible flat loafer but there’s a look in her eye that I recognise from my house after ankle-gate; a look of mistrust and disappointment. After my fallout with Stu, we’d seen her but there was a bit of awkwardness still there. This is a new face to me given she’s normally so sweet and upbeat. It’s Lee’s turn to be in hysterics now.
‘Crikey, they called your ma. Hello, Mother of Doggers.’ He does something which resembles a curtsey. ‘Someone’s been a naughty boy. No pocket money for him this week.’
The officers present have to compose themselves now. Lee gets dragged off as Gill approaches the desk.
‘Gary, how are you, love?’
