Page 79 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘1981. You’ve not changed your combo since you were a lad with a BMX. The key was in the top drawer of the desk in the Star Wars mug.’
I give up trying to not act disappointed in my husband’s complete lack of discretion.
‘The padlocks are so people can’t get in there. You went in on the hunt.’
Gill gives him an evil from her rear-view mirror. ‘The mill is still owned by the Mortons and I have a right to know what’s in them drawers. We’re not a storage facility for your sex trinkets.’
I like how she refers to them as sex trinkets. My eyes are still glued open at the thought of what she found. Jesus, Danny. He could have hidden them anywhere. The spare tyre compartment of his car, the loft, the shed, the wood store. But, no. It pains me to think that he probably had that shit delivered to work too. I feel even more stupid. Danny shifts awkwardly.
There is a very easy way to explain this whole ruse. It’s a new hobby I’ve got, Mum. I draw those toys and penises and vaginas. Come back and I’ll show you my latest piece that features butt plugs. But he can’t. Part of it is because she’ll crash the car, no doubt, but I can see a doleful look in Danny’s eyes; words still ringing in his ears about responsibility, the mill, the reputation. It’s a look which makes me want to burst because I know what he wants to say deep down. The mill isn’t me. I’m there because it was the right thing to do and I cared. I took on that responsibility. I changed my whole life, I transported my whole family up here so it could still exist. And I see him stare out the window, sat in the back of his mother’s car, being told off and told that he’s not doing the right thing by a company he’s sacrificed his soul for – and that cuts him deep. He won’t fight with his mum, that much I know. He won’t tell her about Captain Mintcake either, partly due to embarrassment but also because it’ll make her worry. If you’re in the erotica game now, who will run the mill? How will I break it to your father with his dodgy heart? And what pains me, is that I can read all of this from just a single look and prolonged silence. But I know.
‘Gill, they’re mine. I am so very sorry.’
Danny breaks away from his silence to give me a curious look. I study the perforated ceiling of her Fiat Punto, trying to look for a cover story. Time to think on your feet, Meg.
‘It was for the paper. They were running a feature on erotica, sex toys and the like. I had to try them out and write some reviews for a Valentine’s Day special. The article never got to print, bit too risqué for the Lakes but these companies were sending me lots of the things. We were overrun and we obviously didn’t want them in the house near the girls so I told Danny to keep them in the office. Danny, I thought I told you to throw them away?’
For this to work, Danny needs to play along but I forget he’s not very good at this game.
‘I thought we could keep them?’
I’m literally trying to put the words in his mouth. Work with me here, hubs. I was busy, I didn’t have time to dispose of them, I forgot they were there. Don’t make us out to look like we had some sex paraphernalia library hidden in the office.
‘You tried out all those sex toys?’ asks Gill.
I have to play along, don’t I?
‘For journalistic integrity. But I’m appalled that Danny kept them.’
Gill nods in agreement. I nod at Danny in jest. He raises a wry smile.
‘I’m not sure this explains today though?’
It doesn’t, does it? I have to break with tradition here and talk about my sex life with my mother-in-law.
‘Well, the toys obviously spiced things up for us a fair bit so Danny and I have been trying new things…’
Danny is very close to sticking his fingers in his ears and blocking out the noise. He slowly sinks into his seat, shaking his head ever so slowly.
‘And today was one of those new things.’
Gill is thoughtful as she drives. I have a feeling she can sense that I am lying through my teeth and beads of sweat form around my collar and inside my bra. There are things which should remain unspoken between you and the mother of your husband but I am saying them aloud out of love, to protect said husband, to save his pride. I grab his knee hoping he knows that this horrific awkwardness is for a reason. He puts his hand on mine. Please Gill, please say something.
‘Back in the day, when you wanted to try something new, you just bought a fancy pair of pants and a suspender belt. Maybe a silk stocking and some saucy lingerie.’
And there is the image that Danny really needs at the forefront of his mind. I smile without showing any of my teeth. Look out the window, focus on the tarmac and the passing trees.
‘Or when you had sex outside, definitely not a main thoroughfare where you’d likely be caught by the passing traffic.’
Danny and I pause for a moment. There was an inference about Gill’s sex life there which we don’t want to question any further. They liked a walk in the fells, dear Gill and Bob. I did wonder why they were always so keen to take a rug. I try to contain my laughter whereas Danny is grey. This is the torture that I am sure Gary Walsh was hoping he could witness.
‘So really, you are a bunch of fecking idiots.’
I emit a small noise at hearing Gill swear.
‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ groans Danny, in a seventeen-year-old teenage grunting tone.
‘I mean, think about the girls. Or what if that story had got to the paper? And god forbid, what if it’d got to the mill.’
