Page 9 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘Geez, it’s like a frigging marrow. Polly couldn’t have been much smaller when you birthed her.’
It’s very unlike Danny to not check the dimensions of something before purchase.
‘What on earth would make you think I’d want to have a go on that?’ Closer inspection alerts me to the fact that it comes with a suction cup attachment and has fake veins running through it. ‘It’d be like making love to a tree stump.’
‘I just thought, you know…go for something a bit bigger for the lady’s pleasure…’
‘So, it’s for you? So you can watch me do myself?’
The baby seems a tad confused now. This has the potential to scar her for years, engrain itself into her consciousness. I try and hold it out of sight.
‘But you know…if you were feeling that way inclined. It’s been a bit slow recently. I know we had a jump this morning but I just thought it’d jazz things up.’
I let out a small laugh, almost in disbelief. It’s what happens every time a baby comes along: the sex dries up for a bit. We find our mojo months down the line when my body recovers and we have the physical energy to partake in such endeavours again. But then we’re constantly tired, I look like crap.
He comes over and stands next to me by the kitchen counter. Unsure of what to do, I hit him. With the dildo.
‘That didn’t hurt.’
‘Shame.’
I think about his morning erections pressed up against me and how at times I’ve ignored it. I think about the sexual urges that haven’t really been stirred for a while. I think about a husband who bought me a dildo to try and rouse those urges again. How ten years of marriage has turned into a couple standing in their kitchen, staring at a gigantic, if slightly forlorn-looking blue sex toy.
‘If I wanted to have sex, I’d have it with you…surely?’ I say.
‘Yeah…but once you have babies, you go through a bit of a moment where you look like you could stab me most days, and when we do…do it…it’s different? You don’t always look that into it? I don’t have full access…’
‘Pardon me?’
‘Well, your tits…you know, your tits are pissing milk everywhere…’
We’ve gone from the ridiculous to the offensive in the space of a minute.
‘So, you’re saying…you’re not keen on having sex with me at the moment so you’ve given me a dildo to tide me over until you’re ready?’
‘No.’
‘So, you want me to use this on you?’ I’m open-minded sexually – if that’s what he wants. Though he’s never really requested I go near that area before.
I hold the dildo up again. If anything, it’s beginning to look like it could have a use as a weapon. Polly’s eyes bulge as I hold it up – even the infant knows how absurd it is. He laughs.
‘I’m OK for now,’ I reply. ‘If I need to get myself off, I’ve got a perfectly good hand. And anyway, an electric toothbrush has the same effects.’
‘That’s grim,’ he replies.
‘I don’t use yours.’
‘Thanks for that.’
‘We could have had a conversation about this before you gave The Love Shack,’ I study the invoice, ‘£36.99 on this contraption.’
‘I’ll bring it up over dinner next time, shall I?’
‘Over mini kievs and potato waffles?’
‘Why not? “Oi oi, once we get our chocolate mousses down, let’s go upstairs and have a go on that big blue love cannon you hid in my sock drawer.”’
Love cannon suddenly has me in fits of giggles. ‘And you think this is what I want? I’m not sure what to say, Dan. It’s far too early for this crap.’
