Page 80 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘Can’t be worse than what half the lads on the factory floor get up to.’
‘That’s not the point, Daniel. You head up the mill, you set the example.’
She’s going to that place again and I see that look return to Danny’s eyes. I want to get back to ours and invite Gill in to see her son’s talent. Look how well he can render all those naughty bits in acrylic, all that artistic talent squandered. He hides it away from the world and refuses to pursue it as a career because of the bloody mill. Still, such bitter words would do nothing at this point. I just squeeze Danny’s hand a little harder. The car pulls into our road and Gill looks for a place to park. The car squeaks to a halt and we sit there in silence. I’m not sure what she wants. We’ve done the apologies and the explanations. And I’m not sure how much longer Danny and I can keep this charade going.
‘You think Bob and I are old farts but we’ve done stuff and it was always behind closed doors. Of course, we don’t do those things since his heart but I get it. Just be smarter about it.’
‘Yes, Mum,’ Danny and I say in unison. We look up at the house where Stu stands at the doorway with Tess and a highly strung out Eve.
‘I won’t come in. It’s well past dinner and I left a gammon on to boil before heading out of the house. Lord knows Bob won’t know what to do with it.’
‘Thank you, Gill.’
She turns and looks me in the eye one last time before I get out of the car, almost studying my face to gauge if I’m telling the truth.
‘One last thing though. It’s a bloody relief. I seriously thought one of you was having an affair or something. All those whispers of divorce. And the thought of you two splitting up and the girls, I won’t lie…I cried…’
‘Gill…’ I stop in my tracks to hear such an admission.
‘I know relationships can be strange things but you two are fine, right?’
‘Mum, we were just caught having sex in a car…’
‘Danny!’ I squeal.
Gill smiles, almost out of relief. ‘Go now.’
I awkwardly hug her from the back seat, Danny and I take the long walk of shame to the house and the group of us assembled outside wave Gill away. Stu watches us stumble in, Danny looking emotionally drained from the last ten minutes in his mother’s car.
‘What’s Mum doing dropping you back?’ enquires Stu, smiling broadly.
‘I’m going to kill you when you’re asleep brother.’
Stu’s heard that five thousand times before. I smile faintly. Yet again, my sex life and misadventures are the butt of the jokes. I am the laughing stock.
‘Why didn’t Granny come in? Granny always comes in?’ asks Eve.
Because she has already ritually humiliated us in the car and unwittingly hurt her son’s feelings and we’ve also partaken in details of each other’s sex lives which means that we won’t be able to look each other in the eye for at least a fortnight. ‘She was boiling a gammon.’
The girls are confused and tired. Hugs are forthcoming. Danny picks up his Buttons, who still has party and sugar fizzing through her veins.
‘I gave littl’un a bottle and put her down.’
I nod at Stu’s surprising efficiency.
‘Head down pub, lad. It’s been an evening,’ instructs Danny.
‘What happened at McArthurs?’ Stu asks.
‘You saw Mr McArthur?’ asks a curious Tess.
I can’t even recall that part of the evening, it feels like it happened to someone else.
Danny nods. ‘I’ll tell you tomorrow.’ He literally shoves Stu out of the house. I put an arm around Tess and we take the long trek up the stairs to the girls’ room.
‘Did you brush your teeth?’
They both nod. They might be lying but I’m not sure I care too much at this precise moment. The girls are escorted to their beds and we wish them goodnight, turning the lights low so the stars on their ceiling illuminate the gloom. Danny goes around picking up used T-shirts, books and pens without their lids on. I kneel next to Tess’ bunk and arrange her hair on the pillow, resting my head on the duvet.
