Page 81 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘Is it school tomorrow?’ asks Tess.
‘Yes, it is,’ I reply.
‘Did I ever tell you the story about what Clara Lowry did the other day in lunch?’
‘No.’
‘Clara has started wearing starter bras and Marcus made fun of her and he got slices of cucumber and told everyone they were his new boobies.’
‘So what did Clara do?’
‘She slapped him and told him he was a sexist pig.’
‘And who do you think is in the wrong here?’
‘Marcus?’
If anything else, I’ve done something right. I kiss her on the forehead and she rolls over. Eve has passed out like a giddy puppy. Danny takes my hand and we go to Polly’s room to find her spread-eagled in her cot like she may have landed badly after a sky dive. I’m not sure what she’s wearing but it’s clothes and I’m just thankful that she’s asleep. I pat her to check Stu remembered a nappy. Danny bends down between the railings in her cot and reaches for her tiny hand. He then curls up on the floor space next to her cot and lies there in a foetal position. I lay down next to him, spooning him, placing my cheek on the curve of his back.
‘Are you OK?’ I whisper. He doesn’t reply. I put my arms around him and squeeze him tightly. And that’s when I feel it. The shudder in his chest, a tear drip on to my hand. I make him turn to face me.
‘Was the sex that bad?’
He laughs through his tears. I know why they’re there. I felt the mood turn in that car; I knew she made him question who he was and why he does it. I grab his hands and kiss them.
‘Thank you for covering for me.’
A little person shifts in their cot and we lower our voices again.
‘What is it you think your mum and dad get up to behind closed doors?’
‘Please don’t.’
‘It’s tarmacking, isn’t it?’
He grabs a cuddly toy from near his head and hits me with it. ‘Shush now or I’ll have to gag you.’
‘Or a dirty…’ He puts his hand over my mouth, trying hard not to laugh cry. I bulge my eyes.
‘And a whole filing cabinet full of sex toys? Now I know. Did you try them on yourself?’ I joke.
‘I tried them on you when you were sleeping.’
‘Didn’t feel a thing.’
‘That’s because of your giant vajingo…’
There’s a moment of silence.
‘Are you really OK?’
‘We just lied to my mum.’
‘I lie to my mum all the time.’
‘Like how?’
‘I tell her that I’m feeding the girls organic; that I tried to call her but I had a problem with my phone.’
