Page 85 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘Rowan did all of this?’ he asks.
‘I believe she did. That’s why her name’s on the door.’
‘Yeah, yeah…looks a bit random to me.’ He looks over at Danny’s sketch and tries to stifle his giggles.
‘I didn’t consider you much of an art fan…’
I know I sound slightly snobbish here but the truth is I’m also feeling protective of Ro. Jez is a heckler; the sort of man who likes an anecdote, to raise laughs and be the centre of attention. He’d try and dry hump a sculpture knowing him.
‘Oh, just popped in…I’ve been at cinema watching the newFast & Furious. Saw your Danny in gents and he told me you were in here. Free drinks, I’m there.’
One free drink. Bloody hell, Danny. Jez fingers a price tag on a sculpture. This one is a papier mâché sculpture in the shape of a missile condemning violence.
‘£250 for what looks like a knob piñata. More money than sense some of these artsy fartsy crew. Proper load of benders in here…’
‘I’m not sure you’re allowed to call us that anymore?’
Tim’s figure appears beside Jez and I suddenly realise who they’ve sent over from the Wezzie. Jez seems to hold no shame or understanding that what he’s said is hugely offensive. I air-kiss Tim to show where my allegiances are.
‘Tim, this is Jez, a dad from school. Tim works at the Wezzie.’
‘How do?’ Tim doesn’t reply. ‘I’ll be seeing ya then, Meg.’ A woman by the door of the gallery gestures at him. This woman is not Sarah but she seems to like her lace and a badly-fitting bra. My look gives him all the judgement he needs and he saunters off, slinging his arm around her and taking her to the corner of the room to poke further fun of the art.
‘A friend?’
‘Far from it. Welcome to The Brewery.’
‘Is this what you meant about the “scene”?’
‘Naturally.’
Tim smiles. I’ve seen Tim since I rescued him from the McArthurs’ bathroom. He was honest with me, which removed any hints of awkwardness. He’d hooked up with McArthur before but this had been his first threesome with them. They were well-rehearsed, as he described it. He panicked a bit when the bathroom wouldn’t open, thinking it was a ruse for them to keep him as a gimp in the linen cupboard. But he wasn’t sure he’d do it again, not with them at least. It appeared to him that they were simply introducing new things to the bedroom to keep it exciting. I like how our friendship is evolving, that he could trust me with information so personal. He looks around the room now making notes on his phone. Oh young person, you will never understand the joy of having to extract shorthand notes on a spiral notebook made with a chewed-up Bic. He sips at a glass of the free wine.
‘Interesting.’
‘Elderflower.’
He smiles back at me.
‘So, this is very different to a football match. Have they given you a promotion?’
‘Oh, I volunteered. Di was interested to see if this linked into the Mintcake angle.’
I freeze for a second as the words come out of his mouth. I hadn’t thought of that at all and feel a bit stupid that I hadn’t. Tim looks around, studying everyone in the room. He gives special attention to Ru and Ro who are still merry off the wine and adrenaline and command the room and all their guests. Do I deviate his attention from them? From Danny? Look, there’s Mr Glendale. He was an art teacher and ran off with an eighteen-year-old. There’s Jez who likes a bit of playing away from home. There’s a cross-dresser and a woman in actual art overalls. How the hell do I play this?
Danny and Stu suddenly return into the frame, having obviously raided the bar with more drinks and snacks to their liking.
‘Tim, mate. If I’d known I would have got you a bevy in. How do? Interesting one this one, innit?’ says Stu.
I try and catch Danny’s eye but he has a pint in hand and is stood next to me so it’s nigh on impossible. He’s not here for the art, he’s here to potentially unmask you, I want to say. I spy Danny’s piece in the corner of the room and wonder whether it’s too obvious to make a beeline for it and manoeuvre the big silver phallus to go right in front of it. Is this on the Captain’s Insta?
‘Do you, as locals and art fans, have any comments?’
Stu nods, attempting to look knowledgeable. ‘A strong statement about male dominance in society.’
‘Powerful,’ adds Danny.
I’m a bit stuck for words here. I need to throw him off the scent – this is Ro who wants her art and her message to be seen and heard. There is process, a complete lack of mystery and subtlety. It’s very unlike Captain Mintcake. However, the words don’t come out as such.
