Page 87 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘You must be Daniel’s wife.’
‘That I am, lovely to meet you.’
‘Glad he found a lass to rein him in. Did you pursue art in the end, Daniel? You were always so talented. Such an eye.’
‘I dabble,’ replies Danny. That he does. Maybe I have Mr Glendale to blame here. There’s an awkward silence before Steph leans into us. ‘So that young fella you were talking to, do you know him?’
‘He works at the Wezzie, why?’ I reply.
‘It’s just he were asking us some weird questions before about that online sex stuff. About Captain Mintcake…’
‘You what?’ I say smiling awkwardly.
‘Haven’t you heard? There’s someone drawing erotic art and calls himself Captain Mintcake. My mum is a huge fan. It’s brilliant, they’re trying to work out who he is.’
Danny and I laugh at the same time in forced tones that don’t harmonise well.
‘Yeah, the Wezzie are trying to work it out. You got any tips?’ I add.
‘Well, it definitely ain’t us. I reckon you’re looking for a bloke but someone younger. From the way my mum puts it, he knows his way around,’ murmurs Steph.
‘Oi, stop you!’ Bert chirps, playfully putting a hand on his wife’s waist. I hold on to Danny’s hand and squeeze it tightly. We’re saved by a clink on a glass and the room going quiet. Ro is behind the mic on a small podium and has her hands together in a prayer position, thanking everyone. In the corner of the room, Jez wolf whistles and his lady companion laughs. I give them evils.
‘People, friends…tonight is such an honour and a relief and I feel blessed. Truly. I have such amazing support from Ru and my family and the community of artists I know. Tonight’s work is available for sale. Please speak to myself or The Brewery if you’re interested or take a look on Instagram – we have all sorts of digital galleries online so we can create bespoke pieces. Anything really. There are some cards as you leave if you need details.’
I close my eyes, really slowly. Danny hasn’t let go of my hand since Steph spoke and now I can feel the sweat of his palm transfer to mine. We just told Tim something very, very different. I can’t see Tim. Where is Tim?
‘Please continue to enjoy tonight’s show and keep having discussions about what you see, how you feel. Involve me in this discourse and ask questions, and again, just thank you.’
‘I have a question…’ No, no, no, no. The room goes silent and I see hand pop up in a sea of heads.
‘Yes, please…anything…’
‘Love the exhibition but there’re some things here today to suggest that you may be Captain Mintcake?’ It’s Tim’s voice. I can’t see him.
There is a snigger from Jez and his lady friend. Ro is calm and thoughtful.
‘I am sorry. I have no idea who you’re talking about.’
A few people in the room look perplexed but the interest that others are taking in the conversation confirms our suspicions that the Captain has indeed made his way around Kendal. Danny’s nerves are not in a good way. Why did we lie to Tim? Idiots we are. Proper idiots. He’d have found their Insta accounts. We follow them for Pete’s sake. And now she’s gone and mentioned it on stage.
‘There’s a local erotic artist whoTheWestmorland Gazetteare very interested in tracking down but we can’t seem to find them?’
At this point, Tim turns to find me in the crowd, a look of pure disappointment on his face that I tried to waylay him. I feel all at once awful but incredibly nervous about what he might say now.
‘Given some of the themes of your exhibition, we thought it might be you or your husband.’
Ro laughs, giving nothing away. ‘I hate to disappoint but we’re very honest about who we are and the art we produce. No hiding behind secret names. Exciting that he may be one of us though? Captain Mintcake, are you in the room?’
Ro looks over at us. Is she willing Danny to say something, to finally gain some ownership over this? I can see his nerves are torn to shreds. Stu looks lost for words or action. A hand pops up in the back of the room.
‘Yep, that’s me. I am Mintcake.’ Fricking Jez. His lady friend thinks this hilarious and they fall about laughing in the silent room. ‘Kendal through and through me, Mintcake’s all me. You want a bit of raunch then you come to El Capitan.’
He salutes at this point. Tim ignores him but continues to look over at me for my reaction. Ro is not impressed and tries to maintain some sort of order.
‘Well, there you are…he has revealed himself. Are there any more questions?’
It would seem Jez is not done. ‘Yes, you mentioned custom-made pieces. I want a huge bespoke cock for my garden that doubles as a patio heater. I can model if you want…’
