Page 88 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
I see Ro’s face on stage, hurt and embarrassed. You absolute twat. Not today.
‘No need for that, Ro…just find a fun-sized Mars bar,’ I boom from my corner of the room. I’m not sure why or how those words come out of my mouth but they do. It raises a few giggles and does enough to change the expression on my friend’s face. Danny squeezes my hand so tight that I can feel his fingernails. Stu is mildly shocked that I can do gobby. However, there is fire in me. You don’t piss over my friend’s day nor poke fun at my husband’s alter ego.
‘Wouldn’t you like to know, love.’
‘Why are you here exactly?’ I storm over, fighting Danny’s feeble attempts to stop me.
‘It was free. Your husband told me to—’
‘To support our friend, I don’t suppose he thought it might inject a bit of culture into your thick skull too.’
Ru takes to the stage to take over the microphone. ‘Please, people. We’ll end the questions here. Do keep looking at the pieces – and there are lots more nuts.’ Both him and Ro skip off the stage to approach us.
‘This ain’t culture. This is up-your-own arse poncy art. It’s as bad as that Mintcake shit going around town.’
‘You were putting your name to it before.’
Lady friend suddenly has words. ‘Bet my Jez could do much better. That Mintcake stuff gets passed around my work, it’s rubbish.’
I see Danny’s eyes lower to the ground. Stu’s eyes look to both Jez and this woman not really knowing how to fight them. It’s lucky I know. I’m a City lass, don’t you know.
I smile and whisper into her ear, ‘You know he’s married, right? Your Jez? Two kids as well, one in the same class as my daughter.’
‘He’s separated.’
‘Is that what he told you?’
Jez suddenly sobers up, the colour draining from his face.
‘In fact, I’m surprised his dick ain’t on exhibition here given most of Kendal have probably seen it.’
‘JEZ!’
‘She’s just being a spiteful Southern bitch, love. Don’t believe her…’
And this is when it all kicks off. You don’t call a Morton a bitch in front of Danny or Stu. Both of them grab one of Jez’s arms and escort him out of the building. His companion takes her heels off and storms off in the other direction. It takes mere seconds for everyone’s attention to go back to the art.
‘I’m sorry, Ru. I’m sorry that ruined Ro’s moment.’
‘Don’t be sorry. It was that tosser, Jez. Can always rely on the Mortons to get rid of the riff-raff. I didn’t realise the Mintcake thing was out there. How’s Danny with it?’
I can still see Tim watching my every move from over Ru’s shoulder.
‘Not great. If my colleague from the Wezzie asks any more questions…’
‘Then I’ll tell him to go fish. We know nothing.’ He winks in a strange exaggerated way that one does when they’ve consumed far too much alcohol. I go to hug him and hold him close. He whispers into my ear.
‘Go check on our lad. Thank you for sticking up for my girl.’
‘Any time.’
I run out of The Brewery in the only awkward way I can when wearing new footwear and a skirt. Where have the brothers gone? Are they putting his head down a toilet? My heart pounds a little as I open the front doors wondering how I can join in this fight. I could take off my shoes and give him a clobbering over his bald head or aim for his soft bits. However, I exit the doors worryingly out of breath to find the brothers Morton sat on some steps, laughing to each other.
‘Where is he? Did you kill him?’
‘Yes, and had him made into pies. Of course we didn’t kill him,’ replies Danny.
‘Fun times putting the frighteners on him though. What a tool.’
