Page 93 of Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
‘This is a vagina in a tube, Danny.’
‘That it is. It’s called a fleshlight.’
‘I see what they’re doing there. So you just lube up your cock and make love to the tube?’
Danny nods.
‘Have you tried this one?’
‘I may have.’
I fake indignancy. ‘You cheated on me at the office with a fleshtube?’
‘A fleshlight. It was only once and it didn’t mean anything. It’s you I want,’ he utters completely deadpan.
I’m still intrigued by it. The vaginal lips are quite lifelike but I am pretty sure mine do not look like that anymore. I imagine mine are less pert, in the shape of a downturned mouth perhaps?
‘To be honest at first it’s a bit like putting your cock inside a Venus flytrap.’
‘A penis flytrap, perhaps. May I?’ I hover my fingers over the entrance of the fake vagina.
‘I don’t think she’ll mind.’
I place the fingers inside carefully and marvel at the eye for design. It’s really quite accurate.
Mentally, I’m doing a fair bit of maths here and working out that there is nigh on £500 worth of toys and accessories in this drawer. I’m winding my memory back to times when he must have been buying these items and hiding them here, times he must have been telling me we had to go easy on the food shopping as we were still paying off the service on the Volvo.
‘So when did you draw these things? Here? Did you ever take them home?’
‘All at home. You’d be surprised how much I got done when Polly was really little and you used to breastfeed upstairs with your box sets.’
‘And then you’d sneak them in your work bag and back into the filing cabinet of filth.’
‘The cabinet has a name now.’
‘Yes, she’s like some dominatrix’s lair. The Captain’s Cavern. We may have to burn it down after we’ve emptied it. Or clean it in holy water.’
It would have taken months of secrecy. My back being turned at the counter while I was pouring out bowls of cornflakes, he would have been transferring toys into the same rucksack in which he carried his tuna and sweetcorn roll and a packet of Hula Hoops. I am not sure if that’s what still makes my heart ache, that he couldn’t share this with me from the get-go. I reach into the drawer and pull out what looks like a lipstick; the cover is shiny and metallic. I tap it on the side of a drawer. Danny takes it out of my hands.
‘It’s a love bullet.’
‘To kill the person you love?’
‘I bought it but wasn’t really sure if it worked or how it’d work.’
He unscrews the top to press a small button. It vibrates lightly in his hand. I suspect that would be something you wear in your knickers to spice up a dull commute. He then reaches in the cabinet and picks out a remote.
‘That looks hi-tech.’
‘Yep, it has apps and you can control it from other sources so you could be at work, writing your serious news stuff and I’d suddenly set this off.’
I laugh. ‘You could try it out on me.’
He smiles. ‘Is that an invitation?’
‘Maybe…’
‘Here?’
