Page 22 of Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
Lucy’s eyes light up but Emma shakes her head indicating that I won’t be doing a demonstration in her shaker kitchen. Meg is reading my face though. Given my revelation that Will doesn’t know what to make of my boobs, she clocks what this may mean.
‘You’ve not done it, have you? Since…’ she says.
‘Meg, we’ve not done it since I was too big to get off the floor without help.’
My sister shrugs and I sense it may be the same with her.
‘I don’t think my bits are ready,’ I say.
‘How so?’ asks the doctor sister.
‘I’m scared he’ll put it in me and everything will fall out.’
‘I don’t think that’s how it works,’ replies Meg.
‘It can. I read about it on the internet,’ I say. ‘You can have a prolapse. All sorts can fall out.’
Emma shakes her head at my Google Medical School factoids.
‘Yeah, that can happen if you’re old and had multiple babies, lost all your tightness and not done your pelvic floors. You are doing your pelvic floors, right?’ says Emma.
I nod. I do five in a row to make up for it.
‘But Ems, the first wee I had after giving birth was an emotional event.’
‘That is a universal thing,’ she says with some gravitas.
‘Neither of you kept me informed. You didn’t tell me my nipples would grow to the size of brazil nuts. You just kept telling me to buy muslins.’
‘Which was also useful advice,’ says Meg. ‘Like how bad was that tear?’
‘Second degree,’ says Emma. I never really understood what that meant but Lucy’s grimace and crossed legs is what we’re all feeling.
‘Like I never looked, I didn’t want to scare myself but he was a ten-pound baby so you can imagine the damage.’
‘Crap, so did it look like a dropped lasagne afterwards?’ Lucy chirps in.
Meg cackles in laughter but Emma stares at the youngest in wonder.
‘I hate you all.’ I carry on. ‘But you know, Will and I are both knackered and I just don’t feel hugely sexual at the moment. Will’s also not about as much.’
‘Work?’ asks Meg.
‘Kinda. He still likes a drink after office hours too.’
‘While you stay at home with the baby?’
My sister doesn’t seem too impressed but that seems to be her raison d’être. As the eldest, she enjoys holding our collective spouses and boyfriends to task when they misbehave.
‘He’s allowed a social life, to decompress.’
Ems pipes in. ‘But what about moral support? Next time he does that, please ring me or Luce and we can come over with a takeaway or something.’ Lucy nods and drapes herself off my shoulder, kissing the top of her nephew’s head. I pout at the sincerity of the gesture.
‘You’re still hot, Beth. Just got more cushion for the pushing, you know?’ says Lucy.
‘Nice.’
Meg and Emma study me intently. They fell into motherhood so easily, like it was simply the next step in their womanhood. Their babies came and they clutched them to their bosoms and knew what every burp, cry and gurgle meant. It’s their true superpower. It arrived the days their babies were conceived. I feel like I’m still waiting for my powers to come in the post.
