Page 27 of Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
Will is drunk. Properly drunk. I know Will is drunk because he’s standing in the middle of a Tesco Metro stroking the biscuits.
‘There are so many biscuits!’ he says, in wonder.
I am not drunk. Nowhere near. Ever since my mother and sister told me Joe ingests everything that goes in my breast milk, I’ve been paranoid as hell. I’m staring at energy drinks, craving them but knowing I had a double espresso in the restaurant which means if I take in any more caffeine, next time I feed, it’ll be like giving Joe jet fuel. He might take off and shoot into space. I should drink a shedload of water and wash that coffee out of me. I’m also hungry. Why am I always so effing hungry? Will comes in for a hug. I’ve always liked that about him, that my boyfriend is a hugger. Though he really chooses his moments.
‘I’m drunk.’
‘I know.’ While I did espresso, Will did more wine at the restaurant before we left. I cup his face. His eyes are swirling in different directions.
‘Thank you for coming tonight. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m trying to keep her onside.’
‘By showing her how well you can handle your alcohol?’
‘I thought the alcohol would give me a second wind. I am now completely wired. Why are we doing this?’ he asks me, knowing I accepted this invite.
‘Maybe we stay for the one drink then slink away? It’d get you in her good books. They’ll be so drunk and coked up by that point they might not notice we’re gone?’ I suggest.
Will’s eyes light up and he clicks both fingers into shooting signs in my direction. ‘This is why we’re together. I’ve done so much sucking up tonight. I feel sullied.’
‘Is it working?’ I ask.
‘Who knows? But Philip and I are apparently both up for associate and she’s playing us off against each other. It’s borderline evil.’
‘You never told me that?’
‘Extra three grand a year. It’d be awesome.’
He goes quiet for a moment to think about that. I always fear he focuses too much on the financials of his career now, but I hope he’s not selling his soul in the process. I hope he still enjoys and loves what he does. It’s not the time to question this though as he’s stroking a packet of Oreos.
‘Do you want to get some Oreos?’ I ask in maternal tones.
He nods and hugs me. This is what happens when Will gets drunk, he regresses and I have to mother him and make sure he feels safe. Many an evening has been spent feeding him a kebab on a bus or making sure he doesn’t jump off things under the illusion that alcohol has given him the power to morph into Spider-Man. Tonight, he flits in and out of being super distracted and then dancing on the spot, grinding his hips like he’s listening to reggae.
‘I want to dance, shall we dance?’ This is a mystery to me given that they’re playing Celine Dion through the speakers.
‘Or not?’ I say, laughing.
‘But this is great as well, you and me being out and feeling like us again?’
I pause when he says this. When it was him and me versus the world, it was all so simple and fun. I remember night-time visits to corner shops, leaving with armfuls of chocolate-covered pretzels, Peperami, bottles of Beck’s and a few random scratch cards, and we didn’t even baulk at handing over our debit cards. But the word ‘us’ involves someone else now and there’s guilt at leaving Joe out of the picture. I am not the same girl anymore. I see her in this aisle bulk-buying Snickers. She’s thinner, full of joy and believes sleep is for the weak. I’m not sure that I actually like her much.
Will wraps his arms around me, again. ‘Let’s have sex later!’
I love how he announced that to the lady picking up a multipack of baked beans.
‘You really must be drunk.’
He embraces me tightly and looks me in the eye.
‘I’ve milked your boobies, that was all the foreplay I needed.’
I think the lady with the baked beans heard that too.
‘I always want to have sex with you. I love having sex with you, it’s just we don’t do it so much anymore because you’re…’
Please don’t be so wasted that you’re going to say the next bit out loud.
‘A mum now. We’re old.’
