Page 54 of Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
‘Nope, here, have my punch, you don’t even have a drink…’
I down at least half of it nervously and he smiles; that’s the Beth he remembers. But shit on a stick, that is strong. The fumes coming off that feel like they may dissolve my corneas.
‘Are you OK?’ he asks, trying to catch my eye.
‘Yeah… Or not. I just don’t know half the people here. Like that Batman.’ Batman walks past us swaying slightly, letting me know he’s had his fair share of the booze. ‘Is he a new teacher?’
‘Or maybe he’sactualBatman. Taken a few minutes off crime fighting to wish you well…’
‘…And have a cocktail sausage?’
‘Exactly.’ I grimace at him pacifying me but I’m quiet because this should be Will’s job too. He helped with the initial melee of people when the doors opened and they filed through but since then I’ve been having conversations and mentioning him, and then swinging my head around to let people know who he is. Except he’s gone.
‘Connie from the PE department came as Beyoncé. Did you see? She kinda looks hot.’
I see her leaning against Emma’s mantelpiece. If I took care of my body and had legs up to my armpits then I’d probably don a one-armed leotard too.
‘You alright?’ he asks casually.
I want my bed. I want to change into some leggings.
‘Yep. Go have some fun. I’m just going to look for Will.’
I move through the crowd of people, trying to navigate the room. John from IT is here. John is into medieval re-enactments at the weekends. His wife sews his outfits and he’s here today as someone historical. Lordy, is that a real sword that he’s wearing? He waves and I wave back, remembering to shout at Sean later. I bet he made an invite on Word and put it on the staff room noticeboard. He probably used really naff clip art too, a jazzy font and all in my name.
‘Hi, are you Beth?’ A man stops me in my tracks.
‘I am.’ I look at him carefully. Sharp suit, lovely skin, he carries a Barack Obama mask. I like him already. He’s not a teacher and he looks far too old to be a student.
‘I’m Jag.’
‘Emma’s man?’
‘Is that what she said?’ he enquires.
I laugh and shake my head. He hands me a gift bag.
‘Wow, you bought me a present?’
‘It’s your birthday, right?’
‘Yeah, but you shouldn’t have.’
‘Don’t get too excited.’
I open the bag and see it’s a yellow mug with a giant B on it.
‘Emma said you liked yellow and you can fill it with coffee, wine, gin. Whatever beverage is getting you through these first few months of being a mum.’
I tear up and he looks absolutely horrified. This was not the impression he wanted to make. But it’s thoughtful. It’s not a gift card. And I’m angry with Will and I’m angry with my sister because I’ve just found out she slept with someone else who isn’t Jag. And I want her to appreciate someone like him, to grab him by both hands and drink in all that love and respect that she deserves. I mean, I don’t even know him but I like you better than that Spanish teacher over there who came as Boris Johnson.
‘Have you got a drink?’ I ask. He holds up a beer and we clink drinking receptacles. Well done for steering away from the punch. ‘Thank you for coming today. Last I saw Emma she was in the front room chatting to Brian May.’ I reach over and give him a kiss on the cheek and he’s slightly taken aback.
Will? Must find Will. I need a hand, someone to lean on and make sure no one steps on this skirt. I head to the hallway. The kitchen is a hive of noise so I head upstairs to check in on Joe asleep in the girls’ bedroom. He lies asleep in his cot and I stare at him, relieved for a moment of quiet. I down the rest of my drink looking like the classiest Belle I’ve ever seen and sit down on my niece’s bed, her yellow bedcovers decorated in stars and polka dots. Iris always has a lot of cuddly toys. I pick up the closest one which is a panda with large sparkly eyes and look at him.You look as wasted as me, mate. I am wasted, I realise. If I fell asleep now, no one would notice really, would they? I bet the party could just go on without me, they could sing and Lucy could have a dance-off with Beyoncé and everyone could have a slice of cake and boogie until they passed out and/or decided it was time to leave. I get out the mug again. It’s like sunshine. It really is. I dig through my bag and look for my phone.
I can’t find you! This is mad! Jason is here, so is Alicia.
I send the message to Will.
