Page 62 of Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
‘You didn’t have to do that. Thank you.’
‘Yeah, I did. I don’t get it. Did Will tell you this was happening? Seems a cruel move for him to send his brother over to get his things?’
‘We had words last night. It’s a bit of a blur.’
‘But I thought you two were alright?’
I thought that too, Paddy. I thought we were going through what everyone does when a baby comes on the scene: sleepless nights and absorbing the shock of having another human in the house, your old life together a distant memory. I didn’t think it had got to this point.
‘He doesn’t have another bird?’ he asks.
I shake my head. I am too ashamed to speak of the kiss. But what if it’s more? Who is this girl?
‘Then a time out. Is that what we’re calling it?’
‘Apparently.’
‘If you wanted a time out from the baby in my day, you’d just go down the pub. Out in the garden and smoke in the shed.’
‘You smoke?’
‘I did, that’s what parenthood did to me.’
He sees the sadness in my eyes and places his hand in mine, trying to find the words.
‘You know watching you two and little Joe here brought it all back to me – when Betty had Jack, our firstborn. And you know how I feel when I see you?’
I hope he’s not wincing at how awful I look, wanting to back away in horror.
‘I see someone who does an amazing job, who’s trying her best. That first year of having a baby, it’s the biggest test to any relationship, any human. I never bonded with my second when he was born, did I tell you that?’
‘No.’
‘He was a whiny baby, everything set him off. I’d get so angry with him. And then I’d realise I was getting angry with a baby. That’s when I went up to twenty a day.’
I sit there quietly taking it all in, Joe looking up at me.I’m not that whiny. And he’s not at all. I kiss the top of his head.
‘For all the times I speak about Betty, we had our moments. She once threw an iron at my head. And I’d say the majority of those moments were when we had young children.’
‘So you think this is just part and parcel of having a newborn? Other fathers don’t just walk out…’
‘No, I don’t like that he’s left you here, holding the baby. But I like you two. I also think he’ll come back. Some people are full-on wanker dads and I don’t believe he’s one of them…’
‘You know wanker dads?’
‘We all know wanker dads. The sperm donors who can’t be arsed or don’t see their kids. I knew a bigamist called Alan once. He had hair plugs and wore sweater vests. If I thought Will was like that then I’d barricade those doors before I let him near you and Joe again. Give him that time he needs. I’m here. Literally across the corridor until he comes back.’
He laughs and brings me in for a hug. He smells of tinned soup and ginger nut biscuits but I needed to hear those words. To hear that this is just a blip, that all we need is time and patience. Joe reaches up and pats him on the face.I’m glad you’re here, Paddy. I can’t look after Mum on my own.
Track Fourteen
‘Golden Lady’ – Stevie Wonder (1973)
‘And next it’sNinja Warrior,’ blasts the television. Joe seems to gurgle in response. Paddy stayed for tea, giving me sage advice and anecdotes, but then left me and Joe to nap. Joe has been my saving grace. He demanded my milk, my attention and saved me from staring at my phone, trying to compose ridiculously long text messages outpouring all my emotions to the man I thought I loved – and I thought loved me. How long has the television been on? Joe seems to be entranced by an ad promoting TENA Lady pads. All the ladies are jumping are about with wild abandon letting me know they’re pissing themselves but it’s OK, they’re protected. Joe giggles at one of the women, who thinks it both acceptable and safe to wear white jeans. Suddenly, loud competitive tones fill the TV screen and excitable audience members scream in their seats. There’s a man in a neon pink shirt in the front row who looks far too excited to be sitting there. It’s just a game show, love. I don’t think I could ever be that excited about anything, ever again. The sound goes in one ear and out the other; I remember putting it on so I could hear something else that wasn’t the creak of the central heating system or the whirling void of my own emotions. ‘And who is going to beat that wall?’ Not me. Never. Ever. Not even if you got three people to push me up there by forming a human chain. Joe looks up at me from a playmat. Does he sense something’s different? Or is he just wondering baby things?Do I need to have a bath tonight or are we having one of those wet flannel, quick wipe-down nights? Have your boobs refilled?I suddenly think about what this means now if Will’s not here. It’ll just be me and this television in this front room. Who will I eat dinner with? Who will leave a cup of tea on my dresser that I will never drink? I look down and Joe is sucking on one of our four remote controls.
‘Don’t do that, Joe…’
He sticks a bottom lip out at me.
