Page 74 of Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
I shake my head and he hugs me. It’s welcome and I have a moment where I don’t want to let go.
‘Thank you for the lift, for everything today. Seriously, I’m fine.’
I lift Joe – who is sleeping soundly – out of the car, and then Giles gives me one last look. Will hovers beside us. This is the first time I’ve seen him in the flesh since he confessed about the kiss. I was unsure how I’d react, but at least I now know I’m not capable of launching myself at him and banging his head against the tarmac.
‘You want to come in for a cup of tea?’ I ask him.
‘I guess.’
He guesses? ‘Why are you here? You came for a hoodie?’
‘I came to see you guys but you weren’t in.’
‘You should have called.’
‘Maybe.’
‘Well, come in?’
I don’t know what he expects here. Does he want me to be angry and give him reason to not be here?I don’t want to fight you. I want to know why you’re not here. I miss you but I don’t want to say those words out loud. He helps gather all our belongings and we do that strange dance of getting ourselves through the front door. There are no words, no eye contact. I can’t tell if he feels happy to see us or guilty. As we get through to the flat, he looks around as if to check if anything’s changed. Putting Joe down on the floor, I turn around. Will stands there and throws his arms around me.
‘I’m so sorry, B.’
I want to tense up and push him away but it’s impossible. It’s Will. I hug him back, wrapping my arms around him tight. We break free to look at each other. When did we start to look so tired? So old? So far away from our former selves? It feels like we’re living in some different dimension where it’s just about getting by, surviving, day by day.
‘How’s Peter? The family?’
‘Kat’s driving me up the wall but it’s nice to spend time with the girls.’
Peter has two daughters. I love that Will is spending time with his nieces, but surely it’s his own son he should be with? I still don’t have the bile to find those words.
‘I miss you guys though.’
‘You do?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then why aren’t you here?’
He goes quiet for a moment and sits down on our sofa. ‘It’s kind of hard to explain…’
‘Have you been sleeping with Shu?’ I ask. My tone is direct. ‘If that’s the big secret then I’d rather know so I can work out what to do next.’
‘No, it was definitely a one-time thing. I was so wasted I could have snogged Philip that night.’
I don’t quite get the joke. ‘But you see her every day at work. That must be awkward.’
‘It is, but I deal with it and I’ve drawn that line in the sand.’
I have to believe him, don’t I? For as much as I am haunted by the image, as much as what happened and could have happened that evening makes me physically sick, I have to try and find a way to wipe it from memory. ‘So the space, this confusion you feel… Tell me about that.’
‘I didn’t get that promotion at work. I worked my arse off – you saw the hours I was doing, but she gave it to Philip.’
‘I’m sorry, Will.’ I sit down next to him and put my hand on his knee.
‘And I felt stupid, humiliated. All that time I’d spent away from you guys, the kiss, everything was muddy. I just…I can’t remember how and when we ended up… like this?’
‘Like what?’
