Page 76 of Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
‘I…I…’ I don’t know who this is embarrassing more but I don’t really want him here, watching me as I try and shift my body weight out of this bed, covering my body and putting my clothes back on awkwardly. I put a pillow over me.
‘Beth…it’s not…’
‘Seriously, shut up now.’
‘I don’t want to fight…’
‘Then it’s simple. Decide if you want to be here or not. Decide if you love me or not. But this? This is humiliating trying to work out what you’re thinking, trying to work out if I can handle the fact you kissed someone else, sitting here with our son trying to work out if you’ve abandoned us.’
‘I haven’t…’
My loud voice has obviously travelled into the other room and I hear Joe stirring in his car seat.
‘You’re not here. You’re debating this life we’ve made, you’re kissing other women and sitting in your brother’s house while you have some crisis over everything. You’ve shut me out. You’re making me feel like shit when I deserve better. I deserve to be wanted. Enough. Get out…’
‘Are you breaking up with me?’
‘I’m telling you to fuck off.’
This is not me. This is Lucy, this is Meg, this is – Christ – my mother. Will sits on the edge of the bed, struggling to put his clothes and shoes on.
Joe’s crying grows to a sharp crescendo.
‘Do you want me to check on…’
‘I’ll deal with him. Just go.’
‘But…’
‘GO!’
He skulks out the room and I hear the click of the front door. Sitting here in my knickers and bra, I glance at the ripples of my stomach in the mirror, the light hitting my skin so every crease, stretch mark and fold across my thighs, breasts and arms are magnified. Who am I? Why do I feel like this version of me is failing? Joe keeps crying and I hear loud footsteps, then a knocking on the ceiling above that falls in time with my own tears.
Track Seventeen
‘L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N.’ – Noah and the Whale (2011)
‘I’ve been with men who can’t get it up. Was he drunk?’ Lucy asks me, a little too loudly. A pigeon looks at us strangely then flies away.
‘No.’
‘I’ve had some who were just plain tired?’
‘No.’
‘Well, I know what you’re thinking and that’s complete bull. I’m not even going to say that out loud…’
‘You’re allowed to say it. My body’s changed. Maybe he’s just not attracted to me anymore.’
Lucy looks over at me from the park bench on which we’re sitting and pushes me over, my stomach almost bouncing off the seat. For all the moments I’m proud of my body, of what it’s achieved, where I know this is just a natural evolution of my female form, it doesn’t mean I won’t have moments where I’m struggling to come to terms with this change, with who I am, which is why the other afternoon haunts me.
‘You’ve had a baby,’ Lucy informs me, like this is news to me.
‘Giselle had a baby and she slimmed down in weeks.’ I make a gesture with my hands like she could fit through prison bars.
‘Giselle the model? Yes, because she has nutritionists, a personal trainer, and it’s her job to be a skinny cow,’ Lucy replies. ‘Did Will actually say that to you?’’
‘Not in so many words.’ I look down at my hands and Lucy goes in for a hug.
